Thank you GalaGirl.
I DO want to go. I love the kids. But my need/desire to honor the comfort level of my metamour trumps all.
My fears if I would have gone.. I would slip up and hold his hand or kiss him or stroke his hair and if her sibs noticed S's fears would come true and she would resent me and there would be a poly outing drama to mess up the kid's day. I would be in knots the entire time worrying about her needs.
I know myself well enough to know I do not lie well and am an even worse actress.
Frustrated that I HAD brought this up earlier, back in August when the topic of me going was first brought up. I was reassured by my Sunshine before thanksgiving that everything was settled and there was no issues with my going.
Frustrated she could not decide on her needs an communicate them to the person who needed to hear in a timely manner. Frustrated he did not tease out her discomfort and investigate further. I bring up an issue, am told everything is OK, only to find out last minute it is not.
Tired of being the codepenant and having to be responsible for everyone's comfort. Tired of feeling like I'm the only adult.
The wedding is just a small symptom in a bigger issue. I recognize that.
I just need to breathe, and cry, and try to be supportive and comforting in replying to messages from Sunshine. I know this weekend hurt is temporary.
I need to get past the immediate hurts that I are feeling so fresh and self-inflicted. Waaah.
I know that if I had chosen not to honor her unspoken desires as soon as I was aware of them (she never was come out and actually tell me I couldn't go, could not verbalize it because them she did say she feared he would blame her is she did make a decision), I could have easily made the ten hour trip and let the chips fall where they may.
Are you wanting to be recognized somehow at the front table as a coparent person?
Nope, If I had chosen to go, knowing she lives poly in secret, I had planned to be respectful and restrained my outgoing, affectionate, personality (I'm a very touchy, huggy person to begin with). I was a guest, not participating as the poly bonus mom. But it is obvious to me in people watching - you know when two people are obviously in love, even if they aren't holding hands or touching.
(*side note, two nights ago when I took Sunshine out for a drink to tell him, I was rather physically reserved there as well, feeling hurt,.. and a young girl came over to ask us how long we had been together, that it looked like there was hope for her... He said a year and a half, and I added "thirty years depending on how you count.")
What if you attend only the ceremony and skip the reception? Since during ceremony, nobody talks and you do not have to stress? Less social pressure and you are there for part of it? That's only one "middle volume" kind of solution.
If we (read I) had discovered this earlier, there may have been a way to find a comfortable middle, and to become emotionally comfortable.
But at least have the talk with your people so you are back in right relationship with them. YKWIM? You could choose to get a good rest/sleep and then choose to takes steps to begin to un-suffer in the morning.
Thanks. I do know what you mean. When Sunshine and I first became a couple, I had been poly much longer than he. I did insist that along the way we were going to get couple's coaching/counseling, and told S that I very much would like her to be a part of it as well. He started seeing a counselor on his own last year, to get himself together before we go together - so I knew that was headed in right direction.
This morning I did message S, to let her know that after the wedding we all would be getting together to discuss direct, timely communication with each other. I apologized to her for not being as supportive in positive "be happy, I'm OK" type messages to Sunshine, explaining that I was frustrated.
Backfired, and she started crying that I was blaming her, when he knew.
Aaargh, but she only hinted. We are not freaking mind readers.
So I ended up reassuring her, that I was aware that *I* made my own choice to stay behind.
So now, I need to decide how hard I push for communication, and if it doesn't come, what next. But first get through the hurt of staying home.
Thanks again GalaGirl.