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Old 01-18-2013, 04:42 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 891

Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
If I were subconsciously poly, too, how would I know? How do long-established, monogamous couples figure it out? Does one usually know well before the other?
Interestingly, the same/similar question was raised in another thread as to Person A knowing better than B what B really thinks, feels, wants etc. I said in that thread, it sort of gave me flashbacks to childhood with dysfunctional parents who liked to tell me what I really thought and felt. My advice? Trust yourself and don't overthink it. You're not in love with anyone else? Never have been in love with two people at once? Have no desire to go seeking an outside relationship? Maybe someday you will, maybe you never will.

What I think is equally possible (speaking without knowing you or your wife) is exactly what happened with my ex-husband: he tried to erase his guilt and 'balance the scales' by telling me to go do the same thing. Your wife, if I remember the story, sort of sprang this poly thing on you, and the news that she's going to have a girlfriend, so hopefully you can adjust. (Hopefully I'm remembering the details right; I apologize if I'm not.) Most people feel a little guilt when they've done that to someone, and if you decide you're poly and get a great girlfriend, she can then feel she was prophetically right in that action and did a great deal of good for both of you.

Again, I don't know you or wife. I'm throwing this out as a common human behavior/response/action/motivation for saying such a thing.

Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
Would it be a good idea to allow myself to be in the position to find out?
No. To me, based on what you've said, that looks like playing games with someone else's body and emotions just to find out if you like casual sex.

alone clinging to scraps of conservative monogamist claptrap...
I have to agree with GG. Why is this claptrap? Which conservative idea specifically is claptrap? Why is monogamy claptrap?

I disagree with the idea that monogamy is about ownership. Certainly there are people out there who feel they possess their spouse and own them. But that doesn't define all monogamy for all people. In my experience, monogamy is a great gift that a couple gives willingly, freely, to one another, and while it doesn't require anyone to choose it, there are good and valid reasons for monogamy, and beneifts to it.

To dismiss it as claptrap is to possibly limit yourself from really thinking about what you want and value, and why. I think dismissing a traditional, long-standing idea as claptrap is as unthinking as blindly accepting traditional, long-standing ideas.

Best of luck to you in your decisions.
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