Gia shared her online calender with me a long while back, so all of her appointments show up on mine. I don't use the calender much, but I happened to notice a few days ago that she had a note reading "Dexter" on this coming Saturday. My guess, of course, was that she'd finally managed to schedule a date with him... seems reasonable, considering how desperately she's wanted to make that happen. Assuming that I'm right about the meaning of the note (and who knows, I might not be), this will be the first time, that I know of, that they get together intentionally, in a scheduled way, for sex.
Working under the presumption of what the note meant, I was a little disappointed that she hadn't chosen to tell me, but I was also at peace with the whole thing, with the idea that telling me when she sees him wasn't something we'd ever agreed upon and in no way needed to be. After my bad reaction to the last time she'd tried to schedule time with him, I could certainly understand her reluctance, anyway.
The one thing that nagged at me, a little, was that I hadn't yet told her of my change of heart about her time with Dex. I thought that she'd like to hear it, and I worried that she might feel guilty about seeing him, or like she needed to keep the fact of the date from me to spare my feelings. In theory, she should know that I can see her calendar, but, knowing her, I would honestly be surprised if she remembered that fact. On the other hand, maybe she knows that I can see it, and leaving it there was sort of a compromise between telling me and not telling me.
.........definitely over-thinking this.
Anyway! She and I have both been more busy than usual at work lately, so we haven't been chatting much during the day, which is how we usually communicate things large and small throughout the week. Tonight I got concerned that we might not actually get a chance to talk before Saturday. I didn't want any worries about me to weigh on her needlessly during her date, if there is indeed a date. So I called her. We don't talk on the phone much, she's not a big fan of that mode of conversation.
It wasn't that late in the evening, but she was already in bed. Eric answered the phone, and passed it over to her. She was in the midst of trying to nurse Bee. I was a little embarrassed at having interrupted their evening, but she seemed happy enough to talk. Apparently Bee wasn't paying much attention to the task of nursing, anyway. I said "Hi Bee!" and she passed the phone to him. He could see my picture on the screen of her smartphone and he said my name. I talked back to him, laughing, as he said my name over and over and burbled and babbled. So, so adorable.
Gia left the room so she could talk to me. I protested that she didn't need to do that, but she'd already gone out. I could hear Bee calling my name after her, and felt embarrassed again at the interruption I'd caused. Her voice was gentle, I got the sense that she didn't know whether she was going to be hearing something good or bad. I so appreciated her making the space to hear me, even as I felt a little silly at not having anything "important" to say.
In broad strokes, I outlined the sort of back-and-forth conversation I'd had with myself during the period when I moved from feeling the fear-based need to keep track of her time with Dexter, to the acceptance and calm that came once I decided to let all that go. I mentioned that I still might be sensitive on the topic, but that I just felt so much better now, and that I'd thought she'd like to know.
When I'd finished, her voice took on such a lovely, pleased tone in response. I can hardly remember what she said, aside from the fact that it was positive, I just remember her tone. It's so, so good to hear her happy, it makes my heart glad. We talked just a little bit more, she said that she was looking forward to our date next Saturday. I told her that I planned to do some reading up on massage techniques.
We exchanged I love you's, and then went back to our separate lives. We'll see each other next this Sunday, for a tabletop roleplaying game.