Now she seems to be giving me permission to have what she has - more love from ... who knows who else? I should feel grateful for what she's saying, but I'm mostly confused. I know intellectually that monogamy's a crock. But I'm not unhappy as a monogamist with a poly partner.
If I were subconsciously poly, too, how would I know? How do long-established, monogamous couples figure it out? Does one usually know well before the other?
1) It is not permission. It's married people banter. She's teasing/ flirting (now) and giving you safe space to come talk to her (in future.) It sounds like good communication openness to me.
2) You are happy being how you are. Why chase thoughts that cause you confusion then? Could keep your thoughts in good order.
3) If the situation should arise where a new response is felt, like you coming across a person that moves you to bring it up to wife and renegotiate your agreements in ethical fashion you will.
You could resolve this in yourself, and there. Problem solved.
I'm not minimizing your feelings at all -- I'm just saying... why go "what iffing" yourself into a tizzy places? What's that do for your health and well being?
My life partner and I have written, torn up and rewritten the script several times over, yet here I sit still naked and alone clinging to scraps of conservative monogamist claptrap. So as to feel safe? Less unmoored?
And why is it "claptrap?" Why can't it just be "my preference at this time is THIS and I am ok with that? You don't have to go for guilty weird stuff helpings on the side.
But a relationship configuration arrangement is just a relationship configuration/arrangement. If this is serving you well at this time -- it is serving you well at this time. Where is problem?
What's the thing that is causing you to feel unsafe or unsettled?
I'm curious if this is unusual or just transitional in a recently opened relationship?
You sound normal to me. You have experienced a new thing and have had to reality test and reconcile internally all your previous values/beliefs and adjust to incorporate a new thing. But in checking perimeter? If all is good and ok, be OK
with it being all good and ok then. The "new normal" is going to feel odd at first until it becomes "old normal." Give it the time to become old.
No need to start boring holes in the fences yourself. Are you feeling like "too good to be true" because you were expecting weirder things?