Do you and your husband have alone time? Do you consider that time important to your marriage? Would it limit the depth and meaning of your marriage if you *always* had friends over and never felt like it was only just you and your husband? Is it selfish to want to be alone with him?
Why should it be different with your boyfriend?
I love hanging out with my gf and her husband. But the three-person dynamic is always going to be different from the two-person dynamic, if nothing else because with three people you're keeping everyone engaged while hanging out (or else its pretty dang rude!), but one on one you can explore interests and thoughts that only relate to the two of you. When she and I have just-us dates, we have conversations we never would have had if other people were around. Not because we're keeping secrets, but because it's just a different space. It's a safer space for me to be vulnerable, because she and I share a relationship that her husband and I don't share... he's a great friend, but he's not my boyfriend, and the level of intimacy is different than that I have with her, not just physically but in terms of the extent to which I feel I can truly relax and open up.
Wanting alone time with my gf isn't about not being poly. It's about having a real relationship with her. It may not be nearly as time intensive or as committed as her relationship with her husband, but just like that relationship it deserves its own space to grow and evolve. And sometimes that can only happen when we're alone.
So, I guess I would end by saying, do you want a real relationship with your bf, one with depth, that's a special thing in your lives, or do you want a fwb? Nothing wrong with the latter, but if that's the case then perhaps you and he have different ideas about what's happening here .
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.