And the year starts with another ending. A friend's dad this time. He died very suddenly.
Kind of made me think a bit more about how frequent and necessary change is in our lives even though we so often don't recognise it.
I used to be of the opinion that I was quite insecure about relationships and not terribly trusting.
I'm revising that now. Things change whether we want them to or not. Sometimes we change. I know that my feelings toward people in my life have changed in the past when I don't want them to causing shifts in relationships. Sometimes I've had to adjust my feelings and deal with loss because of changes in the lives of the people in my life.
Sometimes the changes that other people in my life experience mean that I find myself with additions in my life. I find myself now spending more time with small children than I would like because my sister chose to have 4. Spending time with her often means being with small children and sometimes I watch them while she and her bf go away somewhere.
So now I'm starting to shift how I see things. Looking for a happily ever after relationship that is unchanging and solid just isn't reality. My mum was married to the love of her life for 40 years and with him for 50. Dad loved her so much. There was never anybody else for either of them.
And still, mum spent 4 or so years caring for a man who through illness became incapable of looking after himself and sometimes violent into the bargain.
Much as we might like to make promises about our feelings behaviour and future lives to those we love, we can't - because we aren't entirely in control. And they can't make those promises to us either as much as they might like to.
So I think that learning to appreciate change is something that we all must do.
I have thought all of this stuff for years and used to see it as a flaw in myself. I don't now. I think it's the reality of life and rather than looking for ways to make myself feel as if the relationships in my life are stable and safe, I need to look for ways to feel safe in my life and loves knowing that they may change or be gone at any time.