Did you used to orgasm a lot during sex with your husband? I've found that to be mainly about penis shape for me, ie with a curved penis I wouldn't ever orgasm from intercourse alone, a straight penis is the opposite.
Anyway, I think there's an unhealthy amount of responsibility being put on your husband here to suddenly change after years to be something else, I'm sure he feels the pressure and so of course his self esteem is going to keep taking a beating. One suggestion is if you don't get wet, don't have sex with him until you do even if it means not having sex. Maybe that sexual frustration will make you work harder at getting aroused. I'd spend a lot of time on literotica.com too so I was already aroused before trying to have sex with him. I dont think its my partners job to arouse my body, it's largely mine, and my minds, and it sounds like you have some wrangling of your mind to do to get it back on track to take control of your own pleasure. It's up to you to find ways to keep your boyfriend out of it while you focus to enjoy what you actually have going on with your husband (unless fantasizing is a help - but here it just sounds like its frustrating).
If you were content with the sex you were having before, and now that you've decided you prefer assertive and aggressive you're not going to be content unless your husband is like that, well that's kind of shitty I think, and unfair. People who aren't comfortable with that don't often wake up comfortable with that one day, and repeated requests for them to be different so you can manage to enjoy the sex more are destructive to the relationship. Speaking from experience. I do hope you find some kinky activities you can share that he is comfortable with too, and I also suggest seeing a counselor whos experienced in sexual topics a couple times to see if you could get help there.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.