My mantra so far is just let her do what she wants and if it comes down to me not wanting this lifestyle then I'll be honest with her.
Is very sane/generous of you. I hope she appreciates that. It is also self-respecting because you are prepared to honestly tell her "Not for me" if it gets to that place.
She basically has said accept her for all this or leave. I do love her and want to keep my marriage. I don't want to be dramatic about it, but I just don't know how to feel.
...sounds less than supportive from her depending on HOW it was said. You seem upset/confused, so I assume the way she said it was.... off?
Maybe you could ask her for a clarify? Something like...
"Hon, I love you. I do accept you as you are. I don't want to be all dramatic about it, but could you see where this changes our life? Calendar management, time spent with each other? Practical stuff is going to change here. I want to get a handle on it all.
I'm going to need some digestion time and support from you in the adjustment phase. I'm prepared to talk, sort it out, and try to support you in the adjustment phase. I don't find an adjustment phase strange or feeling a bit lost during it unreasonable in the circumstances.
But telling me to "like it or leave" like that feels like you not valuing me. Or my willingness to be here in a new thing with you and learn it. Or my willingness to be a partner in creating this new thing where your wants and needs and limits will be respected. And my wants and needs and limits will be heard and respected too.
When you say "like it or leave it" I feel like I'm just along for the ride to you and not a valued partner. Is that how you mean to be? Did I misunderstand? Am I not communicating my questions and concerns ok? "
Just so much easier to get the clarify, if she's willing to give it. Maybe she's all anxious and she reacted or something? It's early days and there is lots to sort so go easy and breathe.
You can sort one baby step at a time. You don't have to do it all in RUSH.
Could these two help in your talks?
Hang in there.