Non-action does take strength.
I'm still fighting the hurt and the resentment over losing my ability to be part of the poly community or the LGBT community (which I've spent 3 years volunteering in and working my ass off for).
But-the only way to stop-is to leave. I can't make her stop, I can go the legal route-but it won't stop the drama, just change it.
My teeth grind over my resentment about Maca's blase (don't know how to make the funny mark over the e) response. I truly believe partners are meant to protect each other-not just themselves and each time I find that this isn't necessarily a joint belief-I return to this teeth grinding lesson that in fact-we don't see relationships (any type of relationships) the same way.
I can choose to accept or I can leave. But, I can't change him either.
I saw my counselor yesterday. She agreed with me that the best move for now-is to step out of the groups and refocus my attention on my kids and education. That's enough to keep me busy for a certain.
She also told me that as far as she is concerned there is no point in joint counseling before we've gotten in 6-8 months of individual therapy.
Tonight was our relationship discussion day. last week he informed me he wanted to do counseling-and asked me to talk to my counselor.
So today, I let him know what she said. He feels that there isn't anything he needs help with. THAT would be the primary reason marriage counseling won't work. Unless BOTH parties feel there is something that they need help with-there isn't going to be help. I didn't fling out there the OBVIOUS topics-like his ongoing issues with insecurity (which started long before me) or the way he assumes I am trying to manipulate him or "get one up on him" as he puts it-every time I say anything (which kills the possibility of open communication). Why? Because there's no point in bringing it up.
If he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him-there isn't a damn reason to waste the $200 a week on therapy for him or for us.
Where does that leave me?
I'm not sure yet. I know I am going to continue with my therapy. My goals with her are to work on creating sane, reasonable personal boundaries and learn how to better communicate their existence AND uphold them. Manage my anxiety (which tends to crop up worst when he's on a roll about me being crazy) and depression (always hits during winter).
I did tell him tonight-8 pm is NOT a good time for these (pointlessly circular) conversations about our relationship. I understand he needs some "cool off time" after getting home from work. But I need some "cool off time" after these conversations before I can go to sleep. So, while HE is asleep now (midnight) I am ANYTHING BUT asleep. Sleeping pill was taking (what a waste) but can't possibly touch the frustration, resentment, anxiety and general sense of hopelessness that follows these damn talks. I need a couple of hours to get "right minded" again. He can either pick another day or time or we can just forego them. Because as it stands-they are more destructive for me than they are helpful to anyone.
"Love As Thou Wilt"