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Old 01-17-2013, 07:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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I personally would get things where I'm comfortable FIRST before giving up even MORE of my time with him. i.e. No sleepovers until your time needs are being met. In other words, you already feel like she's overstepping her bounds in her behaviour. Now she's making even more requests, when she's already not respecting you right now. It sounds like she's more than willing to just keep taking and taking, without any consideration of your needs and feelings.

My main motivation for thinking that way about it is the combination of her status as "just a friend" and her lack of respect for your personal space inside your home.

If she's just coming over unannounced, then she needs to be told that your family would prefer she call first. "Just showing up" once in a while because you actually are in the neighbourhood is one thing, and then only if they've actually told you to "stop by any time." Showing up day in day out without an invitation is just plain rude. I rarely feel much obligation to be overly polite to people who are rude to me first. I would ask her to leave. Deal with her directly, since you're the one with the issue, she's your friend too, and only you are in a position to really communicate what you need.

I would probably start by sitting down with her one-on-one, no husband there, and tell her how you're feeling. That you need more time with your husband, and that you'd like her to call before coming over. Then you know that she knows exactly what you're asking, rather than your husband's interpretation. Once you make it clear that she's overstepping the boundaries of your marriage, you go the next step and address the sleepovers. For example, tell her that maybe when you're feeling like your marriage is where you want it to be then you might be willing to consider sleepovers. But right now, you already feel like too much is being taken from you, and adding sleepovers on top of that is really pushing it. In other words, you need to lay down the law. This isn't one of those non-hierarchical, let the relationship grow how it will poly relationships. This is "wife is #1, girlfriend gets what's left when wife is satisfied" poly relationships. Now how I would do it personally, but nothing wrong with it if you and your husband agree. Her option is to accept that or move on. It's not your fault she doesn't have any other friends, and you're not responsible for coddling her. You don't want to make her feel totally and completely rejected, but she needs to know that your marriage needs come first.

Once she knows that you need more time with your husband, it opens the door for you to ask her to go home when she's over and you'd like her to leave. And yes, you are allowed to ask her to leave. It's your house. Just because she's your friend too, and your husband's "whatever" (more than friends obviously, since married people don't have sleepovers with "friends" unless they're too drunk to drive home and they crash on the couch), doesn't give her free reign over your house.

It can be as simple as "I've really enjoyed your visit, but hubby and I need some husband-and-wife time / need the house to ourselves / have something to talk about / need some privacy. Can I give you a ride home?" Even if she drove her car there, offering her a ride home makes it crystal clear that you're asking her to leave, without actually saying "You need to leave now."

She's a grown-up. If she's lost all her friends in the divorce, then she needs to find new friends, and she can't do that from your living room.

With all of that being thrown at her, I probably wouldn't address the I love you's myself. They don't directly affect your marriage, and it sounds like you need to pick your battles right now.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-17-2013 at 07:44 AM.
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