Originally Posted by browniris
Like I said it is a small town. (actually pretty small) and I am sure i would be judged for any move that I made out of the "ordinary." (already have been I am sure) I have young children and so do they which makes things even harder at times. Don't want anyone judging any of our children because of adult actions. I truly feel our kids would be ok about it all since they are all best friends and love all of us but still.. the perception of ignorant others can hurt..
I almost guarantee that your kids won't have a problem with it. Kids get their moral compass primarily from their parents, secondarily from society. If their parents look at it as no big deal, the kids won't even realize there's something to potentially make a big deal about.
If you're up to it (self-esteem-wise), the easiest way to deal with people is to just act like it's no big deal; take it as self-evident that what you're doing is perfectly fine and normal. Then they'll feel awkward for thinking otherwise, and they'll be more likely to stfu. People can privately judge all they want, but there's a lot of social pressure for people to treat others normally despite what they really think.
The easiest way to make people think that what you're doing is weird or harmful is to think, yourself, that it's weird or harmful.
I'm not saying you need to shout it from the rooftop. Just that if people find out and you don't make a big deal about it, they probably won't either. They can even report you to child services, who will do an investigation, speak with your kids, learn that you're not harming them, and close your file. Conservative or not, there's a strict letter to the law and "having two girlfriends" is not included in the definition of child abuse, in any state of which I'm aware.
Originally Posted by browniris
And.. just to clarify.. He continues to want a triad which I guess is what we consisted of this past year. We were all emotionally and completely tied due to all the drama in my life. (and their's at times too) they were there for me through thick and thin and I CAN promise it was a very THIN year all around. A triad is what I would want too if we can continue but not sure that it will/can (still) happen. i have recently read alot and know how hard a triad can be...
I would suggest removing the pressure of trying to make it a triad. Just be. There's no need to define it. The relationship will ebb and flow naturally, and trying to force anything will make it feel awkward and, well, forced.
What HE wants in terms of triad is 100% irrelevant. He gets a say in whom he dates. He does not get a say in whom you or his wife dates, at least not in a "you should date this person" way. It might sound harsh, but he's not your pimp, nor his wife's. If either you or the wife is not 100% comfortable and wanting of the triad, then it just won't work.
It might help to think of him as your mother. "Why don't you date that nice Anderson boy? He's so polite. He's going to be a doctor, you know. Wouldn't you like to marry a doctor?" "Look, ma. I'm just not into the Anderson boy. Yes, he's very nice. But there's no chemistry. We're better as friends."