There will definitely be a few shifts when it comes to privacy, and I know that Elemental is less crazy about this idea than I am. We definitely have some factors working in our favour mind you; our house is kind of gigantic, and her bedroom is on a different floor. This means that she has her own bathroom, office space, and has already been using the home gym down there. It looks like we might eat together, hang out in the livingroom a bit having tea or wine, and then go do our own thing in our own parts of the house. We have a full set of furniture waiting to go into our vacation property once it's renovated, and have asked if she'd like us to move the workout equipment into the garage so she can have a livingroom downstairs as well - she might be into that - we'll see how it unfolds. The other big factor that made a roomie seem like a good plan is that she has a long term partner that lives out of town and is only here on weekdays. Teaching jobs are scarce in our general area, so she jumped at the chance to take a position out here (one of 9 people hired out of almost 600 applicants!). She's hoping to gain some seniority, and is continually applying for positions closer to home as they surface in the meantime. This means that she'll be here for the work week, and then will head home for the weekend. Sa-weet! So, we get the benefit of a little extra cash for renos/fun, a feeling of less waste by actually having someone use the space downstairs, plus we get the privacy of the house to ourselves on weekends. We've done this exact same thing twice before with part-time room mates and it has worked well, so I'm hopeful that it's going to be a positive experience. Her and her partner move up North where he is a fishing guide in the summer, so she'll "hold the room" for the fall, or, if it's not working we can head our separate ways without it being a big deal. So far Elemental likes her, which is good, as he doesn't like everyone!
My walk with Mahogany last night was interesting. I can't say that I'm much of a nightwalker, and I just about died when Elemental dragged out a big orange vest with a hot yellow reflective X on it that he sometimes wears on the jobsite for flagging, etc. It reminded me of the time that my mom tried to talk me into putting a huge florescent orange flag on my bicycle when I was 14. Me and my lame-sauce (but practical, and sweet of Elemental to insist on it) reflective vest headed over to Mahogany's lovely home, and we parked in her driveway and met up with her. She got a kick out of my vest - I think she enjoys seeing me outside of my comfort zone, and is such a little powerwalker that this has happened a couple of times now. I know the drill now though - sports bra, sneakers, ready to fucking WALK. The first time we went for a walk I thought it was going to be a leisurely stroll with coffees. Oh no. I was sweaty and got some hella blisters the first time we went out "strolling" for 5km at a mind-boggling clip, and now I know better. I digress....
Our feet pounding the pavement, a flashlight throwing chaotic beams at our feet as it swung from her delicate lady wrist to alert oncoming traffic of our presence (as if they could have missed my fucking vest - sorry, last time I'll rant about it). She starts to tell me about her date, and I am instantly disappointed for her, and in the guy that she has been seeing.
Mahogany has been living an extremely sheltered, and very boring reality when it comes to sex. Her husband is very attached to the missionary position, and there is not a whole lot of variety or mind blowing passion going on in their bedroom. She has been really fascinated and titillated by the idea of having a lover for months now, and the Big Day was finally upon her - four dates with B that were filled with mental and emotional chemistry had culminated into a hotel date. Nice room, lots of nervousness on her part, they went for a walk, she had some wine and tried to relax, and they watched a short film that he had brought (this is his field of work, I think?) Things began to unfold, and here's where I get a bit pissed.
B. jumps into sex like a man coming upon water in the desert. No easing into things. No testing the waters. This guy is competing in the sexual Olympics, and Going for the Gold, so to speak. He has COMPLETELY missed out on one key point though - his judge has never even SEEN the moves that he's pulling out, let alone knows how to score them. Nor does she have the experience to say, "No, thank you, I don't want XYZ to happen on our first date." They haven't even made a safeword, for Christ sakes. From what I can tell, he had a tacky/porntastic mental checklist of what he was going to do with.... or should I say TO her, and just worked his way through it point-by-point. I seriously think that he traumatized her, and I'm fucking PISSED about it. When I told Elemental about it, he got all manly about wanting to "punch the guy in the face." Clearly bringing out his evolved side, but I understand his sentiment. (He isn't a mook, btw, he is a civilized artist with a very masculine, powerful body that he knows how to use.... I digress... back to the hotel room). Here she is, this vulnerable and delicate woman getting tossed around in a porn she didn't know that she was going to be a part of. Talk about unconnected sex! Gah! Yes, yes... she could have spoken up for herself, but I feel like he was just so completely out of tune with what kind of pacing was appropriate, or where she was at mentally. I'm disappointed for her, and more than a little angry that she was treated like that. Even if his intentions were good, it's just so unconscious!
She is, naturally, fairly sure she doesn't want to see him again, and ACK if she even likes sex! I talked to her for a long time about it - our walk was over an hour, and we stayed on topic. I talked about how pacing things, and finding someone that moved at her speed was important. That this experience wasn't the only experience available, and that she could chalk it up to a bad first go that might make a funny story down the line, and move forward with a greater insight as to what she really wanted. She's stepping back from men for awhile; she isn't sure that she wants that kind of sexual pressure in general, or the intensity of emotion that she's been feeling/getting with her MF connections so far. I did a lot of encouraging to separate this experience out, and see it as an isolated experience that came with naivety, and that she'll be in a much more educated place for her next lover, should she choose to have one.
We talked about our upcoming date on Saturday, and I assured her that I'd be taking things DAMN slow with her. That if she wanted to, we could snuggle, and maybe kiss a little if that was something that she felt ready for. I definitely will tamp down my desires for her and just move very, very slowly so as not to add to her trauma. Just kinda sad for her, and angry at that male mentality that can turn a woman into a sexual fuckbag like that with so little connection to what is actually happening for her. Also upset that we live in a culture where women feel strange speaking up for themselves and saying "You are moving too fast!" I am grateful for the lovers that I had during my sexually formative years. The time, care, patience and genuine curiousity that they brought to my body as they got to know what I liked and didn't like. Christ, I remember my first serious lover D and I playing "Do you like this?" for DAYS when we started sleeping together.
I realize that I've been blessed sexually more than ever. The fact that I've had one really lousy lover with poor moral fortitude out of the dozen or so men that I've partnered with makes me grateful. And it makes me more grateful than ever that Elemental and I found each other, with our insatiable desire for respectful and loving kink and passionate sex.
Where you go... there you are.
Me: 35. TD, 43, my monogamous beau. Lily: 31, my lady/lover, in two other relationships. Mahogany: 38, my girlfriend, in one other relationship. Elemental: 44, my ex husband.
Last edited by nycindie; 01-18-2014 at 08:43 PM.
Reason: per blogger's request.