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Old 01-14-2013, 03:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,711
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Welcome!

I am sorry you are struggling over there and see your frustration.

I don't expect you to answer all the questions below to me -- you can if you want to. But mainly I put them forth just as helper "thinking cap" questions for just you to think about as you get yourself sorted out.

What are your wants, needs, and limits? What do you want out of the marriage?

I see where you have suggested various things and he's not agreed. He did agree to Love Language. So... maybe it's finding what he IS willing to try at this time? Then revisit the other things when he's stronger? What have been HIS suggested solutions to the problems? And your willingness to try those out -- are you willing or not?

I don't know if this could help him and you -- but could he do more page 5? You do more page 6?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

In my own relationship -- we've clocked 19 years together. I'm the poly wired. My spouse calls himself "mono-wired and poly friendly. He thinks." He's not sure if he's poly too or not. He's content to leave it how it is, and we're basically content in a poly-mono mix that is currently a closed polyship of 2.

I'm not seeking at this time. The option to renegotiate boundaries/limits with spouse is there if I want to. If he wanted to renegotiate he knows I'd be up for discussion. He feels secure and content with our agreements and so do I. So... it can work in a "mismatch" of wiring. If both partners want it to and put in the time/effort to create the agreements for it to function IN.

What is the source of your DH's insecure? If it is external -- could he be willing to tell you what it is and what behavior you must demonstrate to help feed his "secure bucket?" What are you supposed to do/not do? Are these requests things you'd be willing to meet or not?

If the source is internal -- only he can do the feeding. Could he be willing to tell you what behaviors he must demonstrate to help feed his own "secure bucket?" What's he supposed to do/not do? Are these requests something he'd be willing to meet or not for himself and are you willing to help hold him accountable to himself? Note only HE can deal with the internal things -- you can support/encourage, but inside stuff is inside him. You can't do it for him.

But if he is willing for you to help -- when it happens you could say to him "Hon, it appears you are working yourself up here. Do you need a time out? A listening ear? Remember you asked me to point out to you when you do that behavior? You are doing that behavior."

Maybe it's some kind of combo -- external things AND internal things that both partners could do to get him to the healing place so he can get past his insecure?

Does he even want to get past it at this point in time? Or is he shut down and emotionally flooded/flooding and work there must be done first?

It's in the telling each other what behavior(s) are expected and will be done/not done by whom that you can hold each other accountable.

Both partners in a marriage have to hold up their end of the responsibility stick to be in right relationship.

You have emotional needs he's not meeting. Why is he not willing to meet them? If he is the spouse offering you a monoship, and he fails to hold up his end of that agreement -- where else are you supposed to get fed in the emotional intimacy bucket then? Has he given suggestions for that? Or is his expectation is for you just not to have the need?

My journal thread covers a bit more of what I feel about poly-mono mismatch in case that helps too. Starts around post 6.

My 2 cents.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2013 at 04:02 PM.
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