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Old 01-14-2013, 03:07 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
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Hi MrsG,
Welcome to our forum.

I'll share a few lists I keep handy that sometimes help "newbies to the lovestyle."

  1. Communicate; communicate; communicate.
  2. Total openness, honesty, and transparency.
  3. Careful empathy, respect, and objectivity.
  4. Wait on the knowledge and consent of all concerned.
  5. New relationships only when existing relationships are secure.
  6. New relationships only if they benefit existing relationships.
  7. Move at the pace of the slowest person.
Re: rules for your particular poly clan ... if you have rules, make sure everyone understands and agrees, and stick to them. Be ready and willing to renegotiate from time to time, but don't stray from whatever the rules are at the moment.

Asking permission ahead of time is a lot easier than having to beg for forgiveness after the fact.

Tons of talking ... and tons and tons of listening.

Take nothing for granted. Never assume something's obvious!

Brook no assumptions.

To "assume" ... is usually to make an "@$$- out of -u- and -me."


From Betty Baker (okay so I tweaked it):
  1. Polyamory is about loving multiple people.
  2. Self-sufficiency is an essential relationship skill.
  3. Remember that only you are responsible for your own happiness and mental health.
  4. Assuming malice is stupid and counterproductive.
  5. Don't panic (and don't panic about panicking).
  6. Don't try to change your partners' fundamental traits.
  7. Promote communication and nurture warmth.
  8. Impose consequences for lies and unsafe sexual practices, and follow through on them.
  9. Treat your crushes, partners, and metamors with respect and civility.
  10. Be tender and attentive to all of your lovers.
  11. When you're jealous and envious, acknowledge it; take some time out for you.
  12. Be good to yourself, and be nice to others.
See https://sites.google.com/site/polyadvicenurse/ for more.

Keep Franklin Veaux handy ... as well as Opening Up.

Beware ... beware ... beware of NRE!


Some general tips (these are native to both monogamy and polyamory):

Different people have different "love languages" ... e.g.
  1. Words of Affirmation.
  2. Quality Time.
  3. Receiving Gifts.
  4. Acts of Service.
  5. Physical Touch.
Watch out for "danger behaviors" ... e.g.
  1. Contempt (cold, insulting indifference).
  2. Defensiveness (angry, irrational reactions).
  3. Criticism (lectures, disapproval, etc.).
  4. Stonewalling (silence, avoidance, etc.).
Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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