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Old 01-14-2013, 10:52 AM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I can relate to him in this sense, and I don't think it's something that needs working on from his perspective. I don't see it as a dysfunction (you didn't use that word, but "something to work on" implies that you might see it that way... just my interpretation). That could be because my husband is the only person I can stand spending more than 3 days consecutively with. And at the end of his 3.5 weeks vacation at Christmas, I was sooo ready for him to go back to work out of town. I love him fully, I love having him around, but I need my own time and space. I think it's one of the reasons I never wanted kids.

I don't have OCD and I'm a psychologically healthy person, so I don't see that as a shortcoming in myself. I'm not sure this is a symptom of his OCD either, it could just be who he is. Someone having one disorder does not mean everything that's "different" about them is part of that disorder. Not every difference is a problem, unless the person with the difference sees it as a problem themselves.

What it does mean is that it creates a source of incompatibility with someone who wants / needs a relationship to be an "every day" kind of thing. So while it's not a problem for him in and of itself, it clearly is a problem for your relationship, and that sucks.

Now that you know this about yourself, it would be a good thing to put on the table at the beginning of any future relationships. Not like "Hi, thanks for asking me on this first date. So when do you want to move in?" but just mentioning that you're not interested in any relationships that don't have moving in as an eventual possibility.

I got dumped once because I told the guy we would never get married. I can't remember if that was when I still thought I would never get married to anyone because that meant being trapped in monogamy; but I definitely knew he was not husband material for me regardless. He was fun to date, but I knew it wasn't going there. For his part, he couldn't be in a relationship where marriage was never going to be an option. It had to be something that was at least theoretically possible. So we parted ways with no hard feelings, having learned something valuable about ourselves.
Thanks, you're probably right. I think I see it this way because he won't treat or "work on" any of his issues and anxieties (from certain routines to social anxieties) regardless of how damaging they've been in all his past relationships. So I guess I see him as someone who won't look inside and try to face fears or take these kinds of risks (unless it's impulsive decisions he'd only make when a relationship is very new). He'd rather stay in his comfort zone and he wants others to "accept him as he is" even if this means he can't actually be a partner, in many ways, and that his needs always have to come first.

I also accept he might feel differently with someone else, like you did with your husband. He's at least learned to communicate since we got together and says it's thanks to me, I hope this is something he can keep doing.

I agree re knowing I want a full-time, live-in partner and being clear about it when I get serious with the next person...

And funnily enough, even though not poly, I would rather stay single than be in a mono relationship because I need my freedom to connect physically with others, have variety and not be in a situation where someone thinks they "own" me. Don't know what it means in terms of orientation
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