Originally Posted by NovemberRain
Oh lolalondon, I'm so sorry you had to come to this painful conclusion. I'm glad you have been able to understand your needs and boundaries, and I'm glad you were able to communicate them to him.
You have absolutely not been abusive. You are a better woman than I, to not be offended by that post. I like what vinccenzo said very much. My men were so very not like the ones described. There are vast numbers of individual poly men out there, and I highly doubt there's accurate descriptions possible of 'most poly men.'
And it was entirely thoughtful and loving of you to let his secondary know. I hope you're doing all you can to take the best care of yourself.
Thanks you NR, I appreciate it. Yes it's painful but already I know it was the right thing to do. I try to operate a no regrets policy in my life, I guess...
Re poly as an orientation - I tend to agree with SchrodingersCat in the sense that my (ex) bf did "trapped, stifled, and like they're sacrificing their own needs for those of their partner" in past monogamous relationships. But he had the option to be nonmonogamous, and then poly, with me. All I asked was for some reassurance about the future and that we can make a life together - and for the record, I'm not mono. But I'm not poly, either. I think I could be in a poly relationship with the right person, but that wasn't him.
I realised that in many ways this isn't about him being poly but more likely something he has now found a way to deal with by being poly... he has many OCD behaviours and difficulties with social and group situations and I think he likes to distract himself, and connect through the world, by having the constant rush of falling in love. But it occurred to me that most poly couples on this forums have been together, often mono, for years before opening up, living and spending every night together for years... It's perfectly acceptable in the community to ask your partner to go mono for a while during times of stress, when a partner is ill, or when the relationship needs strengthening... whenever. I don't feel he would ever be able to do that for me. The poly label should not be a cover for people's inability to be fully committed or spend time around their partner. I will always feel alone with him, and I think it's regardless of him being poly. In so many ways he needed me to be self-sufficient, both of us standing alone and connecting at points when it's convenient for him and when it could work around his other preoccupations.
I wanted to know that we could live together, and the only way he was willing to consider this is if he could be away from the house 3 nights a week - regardless of which other relationship he was in at the time. He then admitted it's simply that even though we don't really spend much time together, he can't imagine wanting or being able to spend more, and it's better with me than with anyone else. He simply can't deal with being around someone every night, full stop. No willingness to compromise, which I respect if it's genuinely something he's unwilling/unable to work on. All our friends think he's going to regret it because ultimately we've been so good for each other, but I'm now just relieved to be out and no longer have to work around his hangups. Will miss him so much though