View Single Post
Old 01-13-2013, 10:47 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,285

Hi Allsacred,
Welcome to our forum.

Wow, you have a pretty serious situation on your hands. It's tough when you want to do counseling but your husband won't do it. How about the idea of you going to counseling by yourself? a poly-friendly counselor, of course. If nothing else, maybe a counselor could help you get some ideas about how to cope with your husband's anger, etc.

As for polyamory, if you are sure you're, well, very polyamorous (i.e. won't be happy living monogamously), and he's sure he's, well, very monogamous (can't accept you being polyamorous), then you have a situation we call a dealbreaker.

I guess the thing to do here is decide on an amount of time you think you can endure things where they are with no improvements. Or how long you feel you should try to endure things. Where's the line between healthy and giving up too soon? Can you do this for another year? If so, pick a date in January of 2014 and mark it on the calendar. Tell your husband about it. Let him know that you need things to be a little bit better by then at least, in order to be willing to stay in the marriage.

I would point out that I don't think either of you is the "bad guy" here. Sometimes people just find out (even if it's after 14 years) that they're no longer well-suited for being together. At that point, the goal is to separate amicably if you possibly can.

Some people feel polyamory is a better lovestyle than monogamy; others feel they're equal. I think it depends on the person. Some people are internally monogamous, kind of like a sexual orientation. If it's not too extreme of an orientation, then that person can live with a polyamorous partner and be happy. But I know it's not looking hopeful that your husband is in that category.

Regardless of whether you were going to live polyamorously, it would be a serious problem that your emotional needs within the marriage weren't being met. Somehow, that problem has to be taken care of.

Give yourself a bit more time to think about it. Discuss your situation with various members on this site. Who knows, maybe someone will have an idea that I haven't thought of. SchrodingersCat has already given some very good advice, I think.

Sorry we have to meet under difficult circumstances, but I'm glad to meet you nonetheless.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote