Thanks, GG, IP, opalescent...
My ex-boss's wife (who is also a former co-worker) invited me to lunch today. I suspect mostly because I told her about the breakup. Terribly interesting to me, in my head. She's very christian. For that, and work, I haven't divulged my polyness. I did, however, tell my ex-boss that I had gone to Vegas with FBF last March, and when I got back, he told me his wife was afraid I'd come back married.
But she feels the need to console me, and to check up on me, and to explain her life in her head to herself in terms of knowing what she knows about me. That's the weirdest part for me.
I've been choosing more options for socializing since the breakup. Because I really do like to socialize, and because I know I need it in order to stay sane. So I went, and it's very nice to have someone care, even if it's in a way that seems odd to me. It was a gorgeous day here. Frozen, but sunny and beautiful, and I was so glad to be outside. If she hadn't asked, I likely would have spent the entire day inside (not good).
So, she's reading a book about a christian woman who was seriously abused by her alcoholic first husband and she was applying lessons from that to her life and offering them to me for my life.
So, the things we talked about made me think, but not in the ways she intended. I didn't share with her, but feel compelled to note them here (as I tend to forget things I don't write).
She was asking me about my responsibility in the matter, and I think I've been pretty clear with myself on that. It very much annoys me that my bottom line is 'other women.' I don't believe (I'd like to not believe) that it's other women, per se. If he had negotiated with me about it, hey if he'd even spoken with me in any way whatsoever about it, I could have considered it, I possibly could have shared, I could have had a choice. But he didn't and I didn't.
And I've been over all that with myself before. The new territory is 'what is it about me that tolerates all that?'
And it occurs to me that it's not much different than going to lunch with her. She's a nice lady, really she is. She and her husband are the oddest pair of people I could possibly imagine. I know them separately, I worked with him, and then I worked with her, and now I work with him again. They are so very, very different. And completely crazy about each other. They love each other to bits. But the last time we had a meal, we went to the Deseret thrift store after. And she was freaked out about it. Because they're a cult doncha know. I can't really imagine having them over for dinner. Or even going out to dinner with them and a boyfriend. I mean, going out and all of us enjoying it.
I couldn't bring her to a poly meet up, I don't believe I could tell her about it. I'm certain she would fear for my immortal soul, or hers, and likely she would stop going to lunch with me (which might be good).
So why do I continue our distant-friend relationship? What is it about me, that appreciates the odd crumb of care from any passer by; as opposed to seeking out those who could be fiercely deep and loving friends in all honesty? Seems very related to why I end up with men who choose to leave me by seeking out other women without so much as talking to me about it. And why the hell is my bottom line 'other women' and my bottom line is NOT years of lukewarm to bad to abusive treatment?
I have therapy Friday morning (7 effin 45a.m.) and I'm so looking forward to it.
The only thing I could come up with today is that I really do believe 'I am my mother.' :P It's revolting.