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Old 01-13-2013, 02:55 AM
Allsacred Allsacred is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3
Default I'm came out poly -he's mono. Married for a long time.

Goodness. What a daunting task it is to introduce myself when I'm still shaky about how I feel. The basics are that I'm 32 and married to a good man for nearly 14 years. We have a beautiful family and an amazing blessed life. The poly story started 3 years ago when hubs and I were having some sexual struggles. He revealed fantasies about having a threesome with another woman. I was crushed. I have been on a spiritual- know thyself -type path for 5 years or so and I knew that my negative reaction to his desire meant I had some internal work to do. Long story short I researched everything and reevaluated my beliefs on monogamy, sexuality, and true love. Spiritually wise polyamory made tons of sense. Hubs decided it was not for him and he preferred fantasy to the complications of reality. I, on the other hand, saw a real opportunity to grow. Hubs and I had some huge communication problems (insert red flag) but he gave me the thumbs up for an emotional relationship outside of our marriage. He didn't want to share me sexually but knew he wasn't meeting my emotional needs. I had felt emotionally abandoned for so long that it was an amazing experience to share myself and be accepted as I am by a new partner. I had a short emotional poly relationship with a kind man. Hubs had been reading all of our emails -without my knowledge or consent -and was going crazy with fits of rage hurt and jealousy. I won't claim to be totally innocent here. I did the best I could at the time but ignored that he was not ready. The only other option seemed like divorce because he flat out refused to have conversation and emotional intimacy with me. After much strife I ended my poly relationship to save my marriage. My marriage improved somewhat but was still plagued by communication issues, unmet emotional needs, accusations of cheating (never have) and codependency.

After 3 years of reading everything poly I came to the obvious conclusion that I am poly and would be happiest living a poly life. Love isn't supposed to be limited or controlled. I'm not sure it's even possible. I also came to the conclusion that my marriage issues either had to be repaired or I had to end it. Having an empty emotional bucket for a decade was just too much. I suggested/requested counseling. He refused. Couple books or workshops? Refused repeatedly. In a moment of bravery I came out as poly and discussed my desires with hubs. He did not take it well. After some of the emotional waters calmed he decided that he was accepting of my poly nature and wanted me to be happy. This lasted a week. Then all of the nightmares from our other go at poly resurfaced. Threats, accusations, ect. This was 2 months ago. We are still on rocky ground. He will commit to a plan and then change his mind without accountability. I know he is hurt. I know that he needs time. I know that we need lots of work on "us". However, I'm no longer willing to stay in a marriage where my needs and desires go unacknowledged and unmet. He sees my poly desires as choosing poly over him. It's been a huge struggle to feel compassion and understand that he's hurt when he refuses to accept a part of who I am. I don't mean that he won't thumbs up poly but that he says if I love another- even without any action to create a relationship- that I am to tell him so that he can leave me. He says a poly belongs with a poly and I will never be happy with him. Sigh.
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