"B" 's personal poly mantra was "Oh, if you have questions about _________ (insert person's name), then you should definitely talk to them about it," or "You're saying you have a problem with _________ (insert person's name here), I definitely recommend bringing that up to them." He made it clear that discussing other people without them present in the ROOM within a poly dynamic, or otherwise, was unacceptable and intolerable. Personally, I find that to be one of the most valuable lessons I've learned to date about making poly a successful, positive experience. Further, it's just general good manners and common decency REGARDLESS of your relationship dynamic or sexual orientation.l
I don't understand how anyone justify promoting a "right" way and a "wrong" way to do poly. When did it become ok to say, "If you don't do poly MY way, you don't have any business being here?" The last time I heard those kind of statements, they sounded a lot more like this: "There's only one way to have a marriage; a man and a woman. There's only one way to have a family and if you don't do it that way, there's something wrong with you."
To me, that is not polyamory, it's polyhatred... we hate everyone who doesn't do poly the way WE do poly. THAT type of close-minded bigotry is precisely the attitude this group was formed to AVOID, not to promote and justify. I don't understand what's occurred here in the past couple of years or why it has been tolerated. We began with 30 people and now it's over 200, so obviously there was a community in Alaska that needed what those 30 people set out to provide. I'd like to believe that the majority of the members in this group have love and understanding at the core of their intentions. I truly hope it finds a way to shine through.
FYI-there were a few other people at that very first meet-up. GG was here, as were Blaidwyn (I think that's spelled correctly) and his wife. Also, "B" brought a guest, and of course the kids were here running loose.
The point is still the same. We held that very first meet up and we had a plan of creating a place of safety and acceptance for ALL. We worked out asses off to create an understanding of the importance of facing a problem when it arises, by going directly to the person you were taking issue with and addressing them face to face with no "middle man" and resolving it with love and understanding.
THAT is what has been lost as the group has grown. There is no expectation that if a problem arises between members, they will go to one another directly and seek resolution. There is no expectation that members who refuse to take this responsibility will be reminded respectfully that it is a necessary component of poly and thus a necessary component of a poly community and that if they continue to refuse, they will lose the privilege of participation.
Instead-the people who are holding these grudges and refusing to resolve them are creating such a caustic and damaging environment that others are leaving.