Originally Posted by dust
At what point does your husband's behavior become abusive to you...?
I think a lot of people would consider that it crossed that line a long time ago, though it doesn't sound like you feel that way. That's fine, but it seems so unbalanced - I think you need to either be as hard on him as you are on yourself, or, better yet - as easy on yourself as you are on him.
He's focused on his needs, not yours - so do what you need to do to be happy and feel good that you are finding a way to do it without breaking up your marriage.
You deserve sex and intimacy. You also deserve to feel good about yourself.
Whaaat? How does him not being interested in sex or physical contact amount to abuse?? I don't know who these "a lot of people" are that you're referring to, as I don't know anyone who would see it that way. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you meant "neglect" and not "abuse."
For the record, forcing someone to engage in sexual activity when they do not want it is rape
. Yes, women can rape men. No, having an erection does not qualify as consent.
The OP does not own her husband's penis. It is his penis and his decision when and how to use it. If he has chosen to stop using it in a way that she requires for a healthy marriage, it is completely her responsibility to leave that marriage and seek a relationship that meets her sexual needs. She does not have the right to pressure, guilt, or force him to have sex if he has stated that he does not want to. Period.
By the same token, he does not have the right to prevent her from using her vagina with any other penis as she sees fit. It's her vagina and she can put any WILLING penis in it that she wants.