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Old 01-12-2013, 08:36 PM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 30
Unhappy

Hi BirthofVenus

No, you haven't offended me. This came at a sad time for me because I've told him I can't be in a long-term relationship with him any more this afternoon, but I will answer your points as I don't feel I've explained fully...

His line of work means he doesn't finish until 10pm and doesn't get home until 11pm every week night. He already sees her Wednesday nights, so any additional time they spend together will have to be over the weekend to be quality time. So it directly takes away from our time together, since on week nights we don't see each other it's too late for him to see anyone really. But it's hardly "quality time" for us either. Coupled with the fact that he also often works weekend giving private lessons (he's a martial arts trainer) he has very limited time anyway. I have agreed to him spending more nights per week with her and this has directly meant us seeing each other less. So I can't see how I've been abusive.

He wouldn't be able to provide for anyone - he gets by but has no savings. I'm more financially secure than he is, and we go halves on everything. I would be willing to see him more often but he now says that even if we live together he struggles spending so long with one person (regardless of poly - this is to do with his ADHD) and gets very agitated and tense and feels trapped and so he doesn't think we can ever live together and have a set up which allows for companionship and some lever of domesticity. His idea was that if we live together and he meets someone he should be able to do whatever he likes without having to compromise (e.g. go off and spend as many nights he feels he needs with her when I'm home alone). I know already I can't deal with it so I cut him loose. It's sad but best to admit it now so I don't end up waiting for something that will never happen. I can work on my ego and jealousy and control and compromise, but there also has to be a point where I'm true to myself and honest about my needs and limitations.

He didn't know he was poly when we met, the whole process of getting to know who he was and what he needed was with me, with my support and through many mistakes and small betrayals from his side and my mistakes and all the stuff that comes with it. But it's been a journey and we've both grown and supported each other through it. It saddens me that this journey now seems to have reached its end. It saddens me that I was willing to compromise and go poly but that he wasn't able to give the reassurances or make the compromises about having some stability in our future. Many couples here were married and mono before opening up, so there's the knowledge that your partner was and would be willing/able to be around you every day at points, be your companion and partner in life, maybe even go mono at points when you need them to. He can't do this, even though apparently I'm the only person he's ever felt so comfortable spending a lot of time with. I won't argue with him; I can't change him. But I'm not some super controlling person, I'm pretty low maintenance, and I do want him to be happy. Still I think I'm right in not making a journey that would be painful and difficult without him considering meeting me half way. I think it's hard to describe how close we've been - talking and texting multiple times per day, about everything, best friends and always sleeping cuddled up. Anyway, he's pretty broken and I've had better days, too. I'm worried about his secondary and asked him to reassure her it really wasn't her fault; she was very supportive of our relationship.

And BirthofVenus, you're right - he does constantly have the need to be desired and depended on, probably related to his low self esteem. I just hope he continues to meet good people who treat him with respect.
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