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Old 01-12-2013, 02:21 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Phy, it's just a cup of coffee!!!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
(Heh … you really got me thinking; thanks rory ^.^)

Ok, aside from the un-/likeliness of 'something' ever being there in her case … just thinking about the prospect of crushing on/developing feelings/falling in love in general: Yes, you are right, I am guarding myself right now.

The “Why?” is a bit complex. First of all, the last time this happened (Lin) was the most stressful period of my whole life. Call it bad conditioning, but I dread it happening again. I am not made for this level of emotional stress. It was exhausting and nothing I care to experience a second time. This may have been due to the circumstances of not knowing what to make of experiencing multiple loves and adjusting my set of moral ground-rules. It may be different for such a case happening again now, but still … it will be an uproar.

Second point is Lin. He wouldn't be happy with anyone who enters my life on this level. Maybe he would be able to cope but I doubt him ever being comfortable with it at all. Sward was part of my life and in a way, part of the person I was from the start in his opinion. This worked and isn't a problem for him. But a new one? Maybe if it was a woman. He seems to find it logical that there is a certain lack of a female partner in my life right now; because I am bi. (Totally not how I make sense of it, but whatever: his point of view.) A man is out of question for sure.

Third one: time. I tend to miss interactions with one of them already if my day is too packed and I am occupied. Would I ever be satisfied if another person entered the picture and another urge to spend time with him/her would further complicate my schedule? I highly doubt that I am made for any kind of 'secondary arrangement' from the way my feelings work. Maybe I am too invested in my relationships, maybe I should learn to conduct them differently … but do I really wish for this to change?

Finally: I am scared of change and therefore I am scared of loss. I am satisfied right now. I love how things are and I want to keep it at that. Maybe some alterations here and there. Slowly processing and discovering other aspects. But never to loose the core. I luckily managed and coped when the last big change came about. Sward stayed, Lin was willing to join, we experienced something like a collective self-(re)-discovery or whatever to call it. But as far as my opinion is concerned: That was a fluke. Not likely to happen again in this successful manner. Even more unlikely with another person in the mix.

What do I make of this … ? I guess, I just have to accept that it isn't a prospect I (or everyone in my surrounding) want or would be able to stomach. At least at this point in time. I don't know if this will change.

What to do with this interest, then? There are sparks right now. Just an interest. I don't want flames. Too much is at stake to get burned. Maybe I should start to practice stuffing my feelings away (if there were some I develop in this situation). I did a bad job in this regard, when I think back at the time with Lin. I wasn't able to keep them at bay. That's why even a friendship with her scares me. As soon as I like her as a friend, will I be able to keep that level? I am so doubtful here, because I hardly experienced crushes in my life. Going back till Elementary School … maybe 5? That's why the basis for a friendship is kind of strained right from the start. I am not a 'crushy' type, I am too serious when something like that appears.

Champion worrier at work, you might say. At least I feel a bit clearer about it right now. Just a small part of me is not satisfied with the limitation and restriction.

[And I know that this is a whole mountain made of a little pebble here. I don't even know if she is interested in women or would ever bother to think of me that way. Just checking everything that may be in there as always.]
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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