Oh dear, I am crushing hard on my Literary Studies professor. I don't know where this comes from all of a sudden, but seeing her again today after the Christmas break wasn't particularly helpful in a way
I am starting to feel physically drawn to her and I miss her presence when I am on my way home.
Normally she is objective, distant and professional when she holds her seminars, but from time to time (whenever she gets into the topic at hand or when she has a special personal interest in it) she turns into this charming, radiant 'fangirl' of her subject/ concept/ a personal story or thought of the students and mostly I am taken unaware every time it happens. There is so much I like about those moments. One gets to see a part of her private self that she normally not displays publicly. An intimate moment in a certain way. And she loves to discuss and even to agree to disagree when this happens. And she does this in 2 out of 3 times when talking with me (in those seminars I participate in, of course, I can hardly say anything about the rest).
I know, probably my wishful thinking making things up, but it is so tempting …
I really like her openness, her honesty and authenticity; she has this special charm and it seems that I am quite weak to it. I am really curious to get to see more of her, but at the same time I know that this won't come into being, which makes me sad. Feeling a bit like a child, wanting the thing not available to me … unreachable but seductive and quite some stuff to ponder about for my restless mind at the moment.
Just thought about this in the evening, next morning there is a mail in my inbox, asking me if I would want to go for a coffee at the end of the semester. *tears hair* argh … this seems just so fruitless and futile. What should come out of it? Do I have time? Is there space in my life for it? Would Lin be OK with something like that? (As far as I am informed, it would be a yes from Sward...) Do I have reason to keep pondering about this? Is the possibility of 'something' developing even remotely given? As far as I am able to tell, the answer would be 'No' in every case. Should I go to find out that I will keep thinking even more about her as soon as I discover some more private aspects and character traits?
Probably, I should just stop fussing about this 'nothing' turning into 'something'. But I guess, I am kind of afraid of it being the case in the end. Because right from the start, this wouldn't work. *turns off head* This is just stupid.