It is hard right now. Going into the move, I had pretty good feelings about us making this trio thing work. I was feeling pretty hopeful about things, about all of us wanting to make it work and caring about each other. Now I am in panic mode, after the way the last 3 days have gone and I'm doing my best to breathe, take care of myself, stay calm, be patient and try not to drown in my fears and negative thoughts but it feels like I've got nothing from either of them to hold onto right now. My worst fear was that they'd move in together and suddenly their relationship would take off and mine would end and even though they both assured me that that wouldn't happen, that neither of them wanted it to happen, that's what it feels like right now.
I'm scared to even talk to Q right now about anything that's bothering me, because any time I do he gets defensive and angry. So I'm having to keep all this fear and hurt bottled up and it seems to get a little worse every day.
I'm trying my best to take care of myself. Exercising every day, trying to force myself to eat, trying to rest when I can't sleep at night. Trying to read anything I can to get a better handle on what's going on and what I need to do or not do...trying to just go on with my life and do what I have to do from day to day.
I've tried asking specifically, and as gently and considerately as I possibly can, for some help from them. I've tried asking for some reassurance from them. For a little time with Q. I keep trying to tell myself things are just crazy from the move. I keep trying to hold out a little hope that things will settle and get better soon. It's just so damned hard to make it through the day right now.
And just got to talk to him a few brief moments on text, he got the job, which is wonderful and I congratulated him and told him I was happy for him and asked him about the details and was very supportive and encouraging. I didn't bring up any of the relationship stuff because I know he's exhausted from the job stuff and in fact he had to go take a nap after talking for 5 minutes.
He'll be working 2:30pm-11:00pm with Thurs. and Sat. off. And so now, looking at that...another major adjustment coming up for us, if we even manage to make it past the move. We used to spend our nights together, talking, for hours online. We had a weekly date night on Fridays where we'd hang out together on a video call, watch movies together, play video games together...but now he's going to be working. And my new fear is that he's not going to have any time for me anymore. That in between his new job and starting up a new relationship with A, who he's living with (her and her 2 roommates), that I will suddenly be too much trouble and either be pushed, edged, or allowed to drift out of his life. And right now that thought is heartbreaking.
I'm sorry if I sound so negative right now. It just seems like everything is going wrong, and I'm so very sad about it and wishing so badly we could turn things back around and make it work.