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Old 01-10-2013, 04:56 PM
Tamcat Tamcat is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 24

Update- and anyone with advice for a new mono/poly triad V would be greatly welcomed. I think we're running into some serious problems with NRE and I'm honestly scared we might not make it through this, despite I think all three of us wanting to.

Q and I have had a romantic and d/s long distance relationship for 3 years now.
He wants to start a relationship with A, and due to financial circumstances, has just moved in with her.
I have come to believe that I am probably mono. He is positive he is poly. A is open to being in a poly relationship, as am I if Q and I can get our relationship back on track first as we've been struggling lately.

Things that are good:
A was really fantastic at first about talking to me, telling me things with Q wouldn't progress until I was comfortable with the relationship thing. She and I had already known each other and liked each other and she had been in a bad poly situation before in my place and didn't want to "be that demon" for someone else.

A and Q have both been trying to be open and honest with me, and I've been doing the same. Q has problems sometimes with holding things back when he thinks it will hurt or upset me till it builds up guilt and resentment on his part, but for a while, he seemed to have gotten better at that and we were all communicating well and trusting each other.

I feel like we could work together and care about each other and would maybe even like to live together at some point if we could make it work and the others have expressed the desire for that as well.

Despite being mono, I do think I could share Q with A if I felt that my relationship with him was stable. I like A, like talking to A and she seems like someone I could really enjoy being close to. I feel like we could all enrich each others' lives if we could make this work.

The Bad:

Since the move, Sunday- it feels as if everything has fallen apart. Q has been short, angry, frustrated, and defensive with me almost every time I've tried to talk to him. He's been busy, which I understand, with all the moving, settling in, and job hunting, but any time he has free which is usually several hours a night, he's been playing video games with his friends instead of spending any time with me. There've been several times in the past 3 days when we'd try to talk and he'd get so upset he'd physically step away to end the conversation.

All that at a time when I am scared and hurting and baffled wondering what the hell is going on and trying to adapt to the huge change of it going from him and me, spending several hours a day talking to each other to him and me and her, and him barely speaking to me for days. I've tried to stay calm and patient and understanding of the fact that he's tired, freaked out, and stressed...but I'm starting to wonder if we'll ever get things straightened out again at this point. It's been days of me desperate for some reassurance from him and a chance to reconnect with him and some signs that our relationship is going to be ok and it's hard not to start to give in to those fears inherent in a new poly relationship.

I suspect NRE may be involved, as they literally just got to meet face to face for the first time Sunday. And I'd seen signs here and there of infatuation, on his side at least, A seemed to be trying to get him to put the brakes on for my sake.

He still tells me he loves me. He says his feelings for me and what I mean to him haven't changed. But one significant thing that happened last night has had me unable to eat or sleep- and I wasn't able to talk to him about it because he had a big job interview this morning and was reluctant to even talk to me at all because he was already so stressed and thought talking to me would be too much for him to handle, which was pretty awful to hear.

Earlier in the day, I'd been trying to quit stressing and worrying about relationship stuff and go through some of the stuff from my dad's funeral (on top of the stress of opening up a relationship to someone new- reluctantly from me at first; my dad just died a month ago, and I'm also separating from my husband after being stuck in limbo in a loveless marriage with him for 2 years). I was sitting there crying and realized I wanted to call Q for a little comfort, and thought to myself, "well, hey- he's supposedly your boyfriend, you should be able to call him for stuff like this." So tried to call him but we couldn't talk because he was sitting with A talking too loudly in the background. Then for some reason after ending the call, I texted him, "Are you still my boyfriend?" hoping, I think for a reassuring "yes, of course." And instead got into an alarming and somewhat confusing discussion about how he didn't think we should use that word anymore, that it had too much meaning to it and that it didn't really fit what we were to each other, despite the fact that he insisted that he still felt the same about me and that nothing else had changed in our relationship. And it threw me into a tailspin again. I thought what a terrible time to be throwing that out, when I'm trying so hard to get some sense that things are going to be ok, and believe all those times he'd been telling me, things would still be fine after he moved, and nothing would change for us.

So we called, finally- after him putting me off for hours, and talked briefly, and I took a friend's advice and didn't bring up any of the relationship stuff, any of the things I'm upset about, just spoke to him briefly and supportively, wishing him luck with his interview, asking him how he was settling in, etc. and telling him I loved him and was glad things were going well for him.

I'm going mad with worry, frustration, sadness about all of this from the last few days and his abrupt change from someone who'd been very loving, caring, wanting to talk to me and spend time with me to someone who seems to want to avoid me and can hardly stand to speak to me at all. Yet, bafflingly, is still telling me he loves me and misses me. I'd told Q and A both, I knew this move would be hard on me and I asked for a little bit of extra concern and attention from them to help me get through it ok. I had faith in them to understand and do that for me, that they both cared about me, and wanted us all to be ok. I really thought we'd be able to get through this alright. But instead, A hasn't spoken to me since I brought up being upset and sad about things, and Q can't hardly have a single conversation with me without getting angry and ending it.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm heartbroken and disappointed and feel so very isolated and left out right now. They're doing stuff together, getting to know each other, getting settled in, and I'm suddenly cut off and pushed away. I am trying to tell myself that's just my insecurity and fears talking, that they're just busy and stressed and that things will settle, but right now I'm so scared it's more. That everything changed and that this is the end, or the beginning of the end of our relationship.

And I did take GalaGirl's advice and have been trying to be calm, patient, breathe, and be more considerate of what they're going through- but it's getting harder as time goes on and things just seem to be getting worse, with them being uncommunicative, him being almost hostile at times, and me just sitting here wondering what the hell happened.

Was it too much to ask to get some consideration from them after the move? It wouldn't have taken much, just a call from him, affectionate instead of hostile. A group chat with the three of us touching base about things and reassuring me that things were still what they'd told me it would be, that we were fine. But it's going on 4 days now and nothing I do seems to help, instead just make things worse. I hate the thought of just giving up and walking away, and hope and pray it doesn't come to that but I don't know how much heartache like this I can take on top of everything else I've got going on.

Any advice, stories on going through similar things, even constructive criticism would be greatly welcomed. Feel like I'm barely treading water right now and I'm very sad about things at the moment.
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