Originally Posted by redpepper
The grief of one person's stuff is easier than the cascade effect of dealing with four people as a result of dealing with one person treating me badly. In monogamy the pain and hurt only effects the couple. That seems far more appealing now. Not as many ripples.
In my experience this is not true. The pain and hurt effects their entire support group of friends and family. It can effect their co-workers, their ability to maintain their jobs. Even in monogamous relationships, people are connected to more than just each other.
For example: A friend of mine's wife cheated on him, got pregnant, and when he kicked her out took their daughter with her. Our entire social circle was effected. He was hurt, sad, and angry to the point where being in the same room with his was psychically painful to some of our friends. Those of us she used as cover stories felt betrayed when we found out. We felt helpless to help our friend when he could not just snap out of it. 2 1/2 - 3 year later and we are still dealing with it.
I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer with mono or poly being the better choice, but I will gently suggest that you find someone to talk to about your abandonment issues. I have them too, though they don't manifest all that often anymore, and it helped to get them off my chest. I know that you've been struggling with a lot this year, but I worry about the effect that shifting too quickly in the opposite direction will have on you and your chosen family. You have many people in your life that love you, Red. People who haven't stopped loving you even though things have been difficult and that says alot; about them, about you and the amazing person that they see inside you. Sometimes it is hard to see that person inside ourselves. Harder still to go on faith that they're right.