View Single Post
Old 01-10-2013, 03:30 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So are you monoamorous, in a polyship?
Monoamourous, polysexual, however you want to call it. Husband claims there just isn't enough room in his heart left over for another love. I try to see it more as a possibility that just hasn't occurred for either of us but who knows right? Love isn't a science.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
He could learn. What is his behavior is he doing that causes him to feel bad?
He wants me to enjoy myself too. Telling me what I can't do just doesn't sit well with him especially when he is benefiting from this right now. But he also just can't get behind the idea either despite knowing I'd feel much better about it if he could. So he knows when he says "go ahead" while obviously not on board with the idea, I will probably just decide this isn't worth the the way he is feeling over it just to catch some elsewhere. So it ends up feeling, for him, like he vetoed it anyway.
I own that part of that; I get that. I don't even want to see someone with a committed other partner because I just imagine that person sitting at home gut punched and feeling like I did earlier in the year - I'm going to still be all hot and bothered over someone enough to have sex if that is going on? I just couldn't do that. I'd need a lot of convincing that the other person or people were not going through that and its more likely found with less entangled people. People who don't live with their other partner if they have one.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm hearing this as your hard limits:
  • Safe sex and protection rules apply.
  • No vacations with secondaries. Because vacations for just US are few and far between!

Sounds reasonable so far.
It was a much longer list when we started. As we delved into all this, rules were removed when secondaries preferred things we had rules about causing a re examination of the rules. It isn't as though anyone could have gotten a rule removed. It is largely influenced by who they are and how they behave. As well someone else could come along that might cause one of us to add a rule we didn't previously have.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So perhaps it isn't rules like "you can do this or that," but a personal standard you are trying to articulate? For how you want to be treated?
Yeah it is like that. It isn't as unstructured as some might be use to in their dealings but also not as structured as some I've heard either. For instance - we are both very squeamish about pulling a veto card.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It is not "equal" like golden rule. I want thus, so I'll give you thus too. "Do unto others as you would want others to do unto you."

If I want apple then? Yay. Apple for me, here is apple for you. We're golden right? But wait -- did I check that the other guy even WANTS apple? Maybe he wants orange!

That would be platinum rule. Inquiring what it is they want, need and what their limits are, and then trying to serve them THAT. To me "Fair" is platinum rule. Treat people how THEY want to be treated. Do not assume they want what I want, need what I need, have the limits I have.

Is DH trying to give you apples when you want oranges? Because apples for you since there's apples for him is "fair" to him? Is that where the fuss is happening at?

He is trying to give me an apple while I want an orange in that I am already comfortable with M whereas someone new is just a time drain till they prove merit which they might not have in my opinion. I always met people to date through my large social circle. But now I'm in a newer city where I don't have a social circle built over the span of nigh 20 years. He would very much prefer I try to find someone new and local. I don't intend to not continue to try but in the mean time I'm sick of him out, me at home and it getting harder and harder to focus solely on his enjoyment and happiness in the meantime.

We have been working on this for the last week now and its basically come down to me deciding to do it anyway or not. He isn't going to pull the veto card on me.
Reply With Quote