Originally Posted by IrisAwakened
.. wondering if you feel this way about Poly because it speaks to who you are as a person, or is it because you are a having issues you are avoiding (perhaps without notice).
Or, to be less negative about it, a marriage might have issues that you are aware of but cannot necessarily solve. Choosing to be poly might help sustain a marriage that has value but is not meeting everyone's emotional needs.
But I completely agree that significant effort needs to be put into maintaining the initial relationship. Although that's true whether you add poly to the mix or not; it's just that the poly can exacerbate it.
I wonder whether it's also tough to know whether a relationship is strong enough to bear the new structure because people tend to change in response to the new relationship. I know the last year has posed a lot of challenges for me and I have changed as a result; I'm lucky in that I think this has strengthened my capacity to have relationships, including my marriage, but I can imagine that such changes could also interfere with a bond.
Not sure that it matters, but I definitely question whether poly "speaks to who I am as a person"; my long-term assumption was the opposite.