Where To Go From Here
I've been reading a bunch of threads and decided that it's time to join and start my own. I am only out as poly (or something like it) to my partner and lack a community of friends to talk to right now due to various circumstances so if this is long and stress filled and whiny, sorry about that. I haven't had anyone other than my partner to talk to about this and it's hard.
Anyways, background info! I'm 21, female, recently came out as pansexual, kinky, queer...basically I am all the LGBT/alt sex labels. Hahaha. My partner is trans*, male identifying, and monogamous to the core. We've been in a relationship for 2 years and are looking at marriage as in option in the future.
On top of this, I am a highly sexual person. It feeds into my spirituality, my kink, a large part of my identity. I suspect part of it is also my age and that this is also my first "real" relationship. Either way, I have a high sex drive. On the flip side is my partner who is ace and so here is where I sit.
Originally, it was a lot of guilt on wanting sex and him not. Then it was guilt about doing things on my own without him. Then I let it go, stress and life got in the way and I didn't think about it much. I began to consider things, went back and forth with myself and decided that an open relationship is something that appealed to me. I would like to remain with my current partner but have the ability to have casual relationships with other people. I'm open to developing LTRs with them but it's not what I'm primarily looking for. My partner has had very bad relationships in the past. 2 girls cheated on him and twisted their relationships into open ones without his consent.
I am trying very hard to be patient with him but the idea of another open relationship in any form or fashion is very scary to him. He is an alpha and I am his and his alone. I don't understand his mentality or the monogamy aspect (and much of our views on sex, love, and relationships clash too!) so I try very hard to be patient and cope with my feelings on my own.
I'm feeling lost again. We had another discussion about it the other night. We were going to go to a gay bar and it brought up fears for him of someone hitting on me. It ended up turning into an hour of me reassuring him that I'm a big girl and can turn people down. He knows these things in his mind of course but his heart won't listen and he still fears that I'm going to leave him for someone "better".
I don't know what to do. I'm struggling with waiting. I'm struggling with being monogamous when I want to try this new thing. I don't know how to reassure him any better than I already am. He says he's going to try to read The Ethical Slut but it scares him.
I guess I'm just looking for support...general thoughts....thanks.