Hello from Sunny CA!!
When I was a teenager, I was in love with a girl who lived far away from me. All I wanted out of life was to some day marry this girl. My whole life revolved around waiting for my family to visit her family again so I could see her.
To make a long story short, I never got past being friends with her, never kissed her, and never proffessed my love to her, and distance eventually took it's toll. Since I was saving myself for her, I graduated high school without any dating experience or any other kind of sexual intimacy. I met my current wife at my job, and she asked me out. We had a lot in common and were good friends. Having never had a girlfriend before and being almost 20, I jumped at the chance to be in a relatioship and get the stigma off my back. In the back of my mind though, I still hoped to someday marry my long distance dream girl.
I quickly found myself in a situation where I was very close to my girlfriend and found an immense amount of love, intimacy, friendship, and comfort, but never had that spark. I was too scared to leave the relationship and lose this great person in my life, and I was also very afraid of hurting her and breaking her heart. I was ALSO afraid of living the rest of my life never getting to experience that "spark." Bottom line, I felt kind of trapped.
Fast forward 20 years.... I am now in my late 30s, married to that first girlfriend, and still feeling the same kind of anxieties of not ever being able to feel that spark. I have always felt that the traditional concept of marriage was archaic and went against human nature and modern psychology, but I have been too afraid to talk about those feelings at risk of being labeled as selfish, perverted, sinful, etc.
After seeing a therapist for the first time, and also doing a lot of research on monogomy alternatives, I am beggining to have my beliefs and feelings validated and I no longer feel alone or isolated for how I feel. I am even beggining to open up to my wife about my feelings and beliefs.
I don't have any answers yet of where to go from here, but that fact that I feel like there are options, makes me feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I finally feel like there are options other than (divorce, cheating, and leaving things as they are) which all sound like very bad options.