I'm not big on cupcakes most days. I have a friend that is known for her delicious cupcakes. She brings them to all of our social gatherings. If I can just get myself to go there I know that it's going to be a delight to my taste buds as she often has a surprise filling inside it or some other flavor explosion lying in wait. And yet, I hesitate. Do I want something so sweet? Do I want to indulge myself? How is this going to make me feel afterwards?
So, cupcakes and young(er) men seem to be something I like, but really hold myself back from. Is it that they're too sweet? Missing that layer of cynicism acquired over the years?
Last night I went on a first date that initially I had a lot of resistance to. He's 30. Going through a divorce. Father of a preschooler. So damn young! I'd blown him off on OKC, then felt guilt because of my age discrimination. He kept popping up from time to time with messages. I asked Twitch for his input. He read through is profile and then encouraged me to go out with him.
As I was getting ready for the date I started remembering the huge crush I had had when I was 30 on a guy who at the time was 47, my current age. And it helped me put things in perspective. I was plenty mature at 30 and I was totally digging this man who was 47. Nothing immature or lacking there in my attraction or his appeal. To this day my stomach does flip flops when I see a picture of him on fb that one of his daughters has posted.
I left for the date in a freer mindset, ready to allow myself to enjoy meeting this guy, this boy. I gave myself permission to ignore the internal dialog that was telling me I was a fool and people were going to be all judgey about me being out with someone 17 years my junior.
Let me just say, he's so freaking cute! Damn. But here's where it could get weird - he looks so much like my youngest son. I'm going to suppress that. LOL
We met at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. Conversation flowed, attraction flared. I wanted to leave by 9:30, so that I would be home by 10:00. I hadn't seen Twitch since Sunday morning and he'd only be home for the night and then gone the next night. I checked my watch at 8:30 and was relieved that it was still early. That was a good sign.
Nine-thirty came and we started to end our night, but it was hard to cut off the conversation. We finally walked out the door forty minutes later.
He walked me to my car and kissed me. I love kissing. I'm often disappointed. Too much this, not enough that. I'm sure you've been there. Let me just say I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED. Damn.
In retrospect I'm asking myself, "Am I nuts? Why in the world would I want to avoid that?!!!" What's wrong with sweet and a lack of cynicism? What's wrong with someone who hasn't built up walls (that I'm invariably going to find too daunting or just plain annoying)? What's wrong with immersing myself in youthful enthusiasm and optimism? His zest for life and loving was infectious. My optimistic nature resonated with his and while he's more spiritual than I am, I find myself alight after our first date.