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Old 01-08-2013, 01:56 PM
Tamcat Tamcat is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 24
Default New Trio- already falling apart

I've posted her before, about a previous relationship set- me, my husband, and my long distance relationship with my boyfriend/dom, Q. Since then, working through a lot of issues, I decided to finally separate from my husband after being stuck in limbo for years in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage.

My boyfriend during this time, decided to pursue a relationship with another woman, A, someone he'd known online only but been friends with for many years. After falling into financial difficulty, she offered him a place to stay and had a job lead for him to follow up on, so they made plans for him to move in with her, at least temporarily, while he got back on his feet financially.

After the initial struggle to accept him having another relationship (I believe the situation we have is that I'm mono and he's poly), and actually talking with A, who I had known from online as well and liked before all this started, I had started to settle into the idea of a trio, as we called it.

Q, my boyfriend, did a terrible job of starting us out and I spent a good couple of months miserable and feeling pushed aside and abandoned before working up the courage to speak to A. She seemed surprised that I'd been having that much trouble and told me that she'd been telling Q to slow down, and she also told me that she had been in a relationship where her boyfriend tried to push poly on her in a bad way and it had trashed her and that she refused to be that demon for anybody else. She said that first off, things with her and Q were on pause while I settled in and got comfortable with the idea, and also that she and Q's IM's would be kept in a "trio" conversation box in Skype that I was a part of, so I could see and participate in any serious discussions they had. I was so grateful to her I literally started crying. She gave me hope that this trio thing might actually work, and Q seemed to be greatly relieved as well, and much happier with the idea of trying to make a poly thing work than to lose me.

Things seemed to be going reasonably well for a while. The three of us talked every once in awhile, Q and I talked a lot, and A and I would talk sometimes, getting to know each other. I was feeling kinda hopeful, and started to see how maybe this might be a good thing. I told Q that I realized I was probably mono and him poly and that I thought if we were careful, that it seemed like we could make this work, and that I really wanted it to.

We talked about the possibility of maybe moving in together, the three of us, at some point if it all worked out, and it really didn't seem like such a bad idea. We all talked about respect and consideration for each other and wanting to make something good, happy, and healthy for all of us and take care of each other.

A few bumps along the way, usually Q doing something that made me upset or came off as uncaring and set off my insecurities. It seemed like we were getting better at talking about and addressing those things as they came up though. I read up on various poly info websites, and paid particular attention to mono/poly articles and found a lot of good information. It seemed like the three of us were doing fairly well there for awhile.

But then came the actual move. Q moved in with A Sunday night. It was hard, and I was nervous all weekend, feeling angst and insecurity bubbling up and trying to deal with it as best as I could. I'd let them both know that I knew this was going to be rough on me and asked to please get a little extra care and attention and reassurance from them to help me with this.

Instead, Q got annoyed with me yesterday morning right off when I mentioned being a bit anxious, then was distant and cold the rest of the day. It sent me into a tailspin, from mildly anxious to full on panic and depression. Every time I tried to talk to him, to try to reconnect with him, to ask for just a little reassurance, care, attention, he brushed me off saying he was exhausted, sore, stressed from the move. And I get that...that he would be. But I when I let him know how upset I was, that I was falling apart and needed him, even just a phone call, a little bit of his focused time and attention to help me get through this, he was too busy playing games with his online friends to bother with me. I ended up going to bed at 8pm, feeling terrible, and afraid that if this was any indication, that our trio was over before it even really began.

I'm torn between trying to see his side of it, that I was too emotional, and he was too tired to deal with it; and my side, that I desperately needed his emotional support, and A's too would have been nice, that I'd told them both how hard this was going to be and that I'd need their help, and neither of them were there for me yesterday or last night.

What should I do now? Feeling pretty lost right now.
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