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Old 01-08-2013, 04:41 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I take it "intimately involved" means you become lovers?

That still doesn't change the basic conflict:
  • She wants to be in polyship with you and the ex.
  • You are willing to be in polyship with her, but not with the ex as a polyship partner.

Possible ways to go:
  • You and her stay together because she agrees to let go of the ex as a polyship partner. (She is not willing to do this either for a short while or a long while.)
  • You and her stay together because you agree to polyship with the ex. (You do not seem willing to do this either for a short while or a long while.)
  • You and her break up as dating partners/lovers, return to your friendship relationship instead:
    • This leaves her free to polyship with the ex because she accepts your unwilling to polyship with her and the ex. She lets go of wanting you in her polyship configuration. She continues her wanting you as her friend.
    • This leaves you free to polyship without the ex because you accept her unwilling to polyship with her without the ex. You let go of wanting her in your polyship configuration. You continue wanting her as your friend.

That's basically it. Note we haven't even entered the bit of "what does the EX even want?" Maybe ex doesn't want to be in polyship at all with either of you!
But that's on the ex to state.

YOU can only speak from your own willingness. So do not go doing things you are not willing to do just to be with her as her dating partner/lover. That's not the path to happy in the long term.

Again, I'm sorry you hurt. This isn't easy. But remember you can keep ON being friends. You were already friends before. Were friends while being dating partners/ lovers. You can keep ON being friends AFTER having been dating partners/lovers.

Just that the dating/lover bit may not work out here after all if she wants to change the agreements.

You both agreed to honor this:
  • You + Her + maybe her seeing another not-the-ex guy, her seeing another woman.

She asked you to change the agreement to the ex. fair enough. People can always ASK to renegotiate. It doesn't mean you get it. It means you get to ASK if your partners are up for it or not.

You say not willing to participate like that in a
  • You + her + the ex guy + another woman arrangement

She offered to close it down further to
  • Skip the woman. Just you + her + the ex arrangement, and a promise to drop the ex if after a trial run if you are not good with it.

You say you are not willing to participate like that. Given that she's not shown any follow through on previous agreements so far, what's trustworthy about her offering to agree to a NEW thing -- to drop him if you don't feel ok later? She has yet to build trust on her word with you.

She's "begging and pleading" now, rather giving you any other offers in negotiation. That is unflattering behavior. Rather than acting out, she could be calm about this and negotiate to a new offer or just terminate her relationship with you in a kind way because she wants to see the ex and you are not willing so it won't be a runner here. Be friends. Play like grown ups here.

Since she's willing to drop him at any time? It would be more trust building for her to offer:

  • Step 1: Just you and her for X amount of time first to help build trust in her agreement keeping. Then after X time passes, see at the next checkpoint if you are now more willing to participate in a polyship arrangement that includes her seeing the ex. You both check this out and agree to do the page 5 and page 6 things to help with the trust building and jealousy management all along.
  • Step 2: Just you + her + the ex arrangement, and a promise to drop the ex if after a trial run if you are not good with it. (Assuming ex wants to be in an arrangement like this! Be sure ex is up for this! Ex has a voice of his own. HE does not have to participate in things he does not want.)


But she's not giving you that option. Maybe she hasn't thought of it to be able to offer it. ( Is she assuming HE even wants to participate in all this in that blue way? Their previous arrangement was a monoship!)

If you are willing to try it in the blue, present that as your counter offer and see if the ex is down with that offer before all agree to fly under those colors. But do NOT present this to her as a counter offer unless you are really willing to try that on!

Given her offer on the table so far? The one of
  • You + her + the ex arrangement and a promise to drop the ex if after a trial run if you are not good with it.

Well, you are within your rights to say "Thank you for the offer. But I'm not willing to participate in that just like that. You are free to date him. But not date me concurrently in that polyship shape if that's the only offer on the table. You have not built enough trust with me in your agreement keeping for me to feel comfortable with that at this point in time. "

If she wants to date him, go on ahead. But she can't force you to date her while she dates him. Your willingness to do things is YOURS to decide.

Gotta keep it real here and do what is best for YOUR health.

So even if she's making it hard to keep on telling her "no, you are not willing to participate like that," stick with it.

Participate only in the things that you are willing to do and help you to feel happy and comfortable.

Not in things you are not willing to do and help you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Why pick behavior that leads to unhappy and uncomfortable feelings? That makes no sense.

All relationships have some give and take. And yes, we grow when we are willing to take some risks and push our own boundaries a bit. But some risks we are just not willing to take because they push us too far too fast.

It is on you to discern if this offer and its risks is an offer you are or are not willing to take. If what she offers you is enough return on your investment.

So first up -- are you willing or not? Or could you be willing with qualifiers? What would those be?

If you need help developing a counter offer and need feedback on that -- post your counter offer draft then for people to help you refine that. (Mine in blue is just one example if you want to take it there.)

Otherwise walk away and take it to the break up option because you already know this is not going to feed you in they way you need feeding.

You don't control her. She also doesn't control you.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-08-2013 at 05:46 AM.
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