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Old 01-08-2013, 02:48 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by EnderSavesAll View Post
If I learned of each thing it is better communication and clear expectations from the start and ongoing. We were originally undefined, got labeled serious and then issues were held in. I may be taking a step back from poly for a while.
There's some value to that, but I would be careful about swinging too far in the opposite direction. Some people put down a lot of expectation at the beginning of something, and then try to force the relationship into a pre-defined mould rather than allowing it to grow organically.

It sounds like your relationship started out undefined and was being allowed to develop in its own way. Unfortunately for you, it developed out of a relationship, instead of into something deeper. Sometimes, that's just what happens.

Playing Devil's Advocate here, it's possible that she was already feeling too much pressure and having a hard time balancing your needs in the relationship with her marriage. So then, to be asked for more time when she's already strained with what she's giving, is just too much.

I can see parts of myself in her. I've been in situations where people are willing to put more into something than I am, and I feel guilty about it, not because I'm not doing more, but because I'm perfectly happy with not doing more. It's taken a lot of work for me to accept that it's okay for relationships to be unbalanced, as long as I'm open and upfront about what I'm willing to invest; then if someone is willing to invest more, and they know it won't be reciprocated, that's their informed decision...
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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