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Old 01-07-2013, 07:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,086

Originally Posted by turtleheart
If she can't wait even that long he's clearly more important to her than you at this point, and you may as well focus your energy elsewhere if you're not ok being the secondary.
I agree -- but not just from the perspective of willing to only be the "primary" in a "primary-secondary" type open relationship model. If that is the ONLY model you want and she cannot offer you that, so be it.

But I'm coming from the perspective of her interpersonal relationship skills, not just the model she may want to share with you not lining up with the fav model you want for yourself.

Chupacabra, you do not have to be willing to do anything you do are just not willing to do. Not even "try it out first and see" like she pushes for. If you are not willing to "try and see" -- don't. Maybe you WOULD be willing to explore other open relationship models with her if you felt more comfortable and safe with her as your partner.

Here's something I wanted to lift up:

If the polyshipping agreements she made with you were not the right fit for her when you were in your negotiation talks before starting the new polyship together? Why is SHE agreeing to do things she's not really willing to do in the first place then? Giving you false information (a lie) just makes for more "messy" later -- as you are now experiencing. And it makes her seem kinda flaky, or not respectful. Def not raking in trustworthy points.

A partner you have a hard time trusting -- that's not sounding like great polyshipping partner to me.

It's only been since Dec 23 -- there's not a whole lot vested in here. If her polyship offer does not sound yummy to you, it is ok to just pass it up and nip it in the bud. Seek elsewhere. You could say "Thank you for your offer, but I do not want to participate."

"Compromise" does not mean going ahead and doing things you are not really willing to do. That's not self-respecting behavior. Why'd she do that? Make agreements to hard limits she's not willing to honor? And then asking you to be doing things YOU really do not want to do? When you clearly say "no?" That is not respectful, and that kind of behavior on her part does not help build up trust either.

You are unhappy here, and signing up to do stuff you do not want and are unwilling to do is supposed to lead to happy how? It just sounds like leading to more unhappy for yourself.

So she's agreeing to things she's really not willing to do. She's asking you to do same. Two people doing stuff they really don't want to be doing in relationship doesn't sound like healthy relationship to me.

If you still want to give it a try, get the agreements and expectations nailed down for sure. Make sure all agreements serve the wants, needs, and limits of all players. Agree to your conflict resolution method. None of this Muppet Show chaos business. Play like Star Wars Jedi here or don't bother.

Sigh. I'm sorry things are hard for you.

But no matter what, choose what is best for your health and well being in the long term. It's on your to discern if this is worth the risks or not.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-08-2013 at 04:28 AM.
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