Originally Posted by SJJ
Repetitively , he was only honest on several topics when cornered into giving me a straight answer after deflection attempts. To me, I see that as a hang over from cheating and I tired to give room for that and still am trying but it doesn't stop it from hurting and causing me to question realities.
I also asked to speak/type with the other woman. He assured me that she would not want to do that but we did actually have a short chat conversation. She is not poly and told me that she would not be comfortable in engaging with me again because she can not understand being friendly or even talking to the main woman when she is the 'other' woman. Whilst that is contrary to my instincts, I am attempting to not let that bother me as much as it could. I have no need to know the full details of their relationship but prior to moving in with each other we had talked about being each other's primaries and how respect had to be shown to each other by any additional partners at all times or things would end with that person. I am not sold on the fact that I am being respected but I am trying to give the space for whatever plays out to play out. I have trouble seeing how a non-poly woman is going to be okay with not being with him solely but time has to tell.
Look hon: he's a cheater. It's not "hangover" from cheating; it *is* cheating. Cheating doesn't have to mean having an illicit affair. Lying about the details of a relationship you know about is included in cheating. Telling you he's doing one thing, and then doing another, is cheating. He is still cheating. Right now, that's who he is. I'm not saying people can't change; I'm saying it doesn't sound like he has.
He's dating a woman who dates cheaters. She sees herself as the "other woman" which is a cheating-culture mentality. She's going to encourage and support him to continue cheating-like behavior. As much as some people get a rush out of cheating, others get a rush out of being the other woman.
He lies to you. He hides things from you. He chooses women who date cheaters and are not poly.
As long as everything goes exactly the way he wants and he doesn't have to make any concessions in the relationship, there's a slight possibility that he won't cheat. But you have reasonable boundaries. Are you being fair to yourself by throwing away your boundaries just so he can do whatever the fuck he wants, whenever the fuck he wants?
As long as you continue to have your reasonable boundaries, such as monogamy while you get your footing solid (and as a poly-wired person, I think that's a perfectly reasonable boundary), he will continue to smile and nod and tell you what he thinks you want to hear, and then go behind your back and do whatever the fuck he wants. That's who he is right now. Can he change? Sure. But not overnight.
By the sounds of it, honesty is the one thing you asked for. Honesty is the one thing you haven't gotten. At what point do you put your money where your mouth is? By staying with him when he lies to you, you enable him. You send the message that it's ok for him to ignore your boundaries. It's not ok.