Originally Posted by turtleHeart
How long did they date? What about an agreement to let the ex enter as a secondary after you two have been dating as long as they did? If that seems too long, maybe wait just a year or so, giving your own relationship time to get established. I generally like having at least 6 months between initiating new relationships so that I can actually connect to the new person. If she can't wait even that long he's clearly more important to her than you at this point, and you may as well focus your energy elsewhere if you're not ok being the secondary.
I agree with this.
I think it's less about the labels of primary and secondary and more about wanting to start off on equal footing.
If you've been mono you're whole life and then suddenly enter a relationship were the other is poly it can be quite a lot to adjust to.
When I first got with my partner (H) he was still very much in love with his ex. At first, I found this difficult and had a lot of trouble.
The reason being start-of-new-relationship-anxiety. I am at my absolute most insecure and anxious at the start of a relationship, as I think, a lot of people are.
I think it would be reasonable for someone who has never experienced poly before to want to take it slow.
H and I, when we first started dating agreed that, for the first few months at least, he wouldn't date his ex and that we would ease into it as I adapted to being in a poly relationship. (for unrelated reasons, they didn't actually end up dating in the end, but the point stands)
I think expecting a mono individual to be okay with their partner dating an ex straight away, when they're only a few weeks into the relationship, is unrealistic. People need time to adjust.
I would suggest either trying to strike a compromise where, for a given number of months, they don't date/date platonically whilst you properly get to know each other. If this is isn't acceptable to her (or you) then it sounds like you have clashing hard limits, in which case, a break-up (as much as it sucks) would probably be the wisest option.