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Old 01-07-2013, 01:39 PM
dust dust is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 29

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Well "need" and "want" sometimes break down into a semantic discussion. I think the point in this is that M realized that a poly life would be a good thing for her ... and by extension, for her and you as well.
That quite frankly wasn't how it felt. I read in a different thread where the partner said something like - 'I love you, I want to be with you, but if I have to choose between you and freedom I will choose freedom'. M said last night that's how she felt too. It's shocking how much she would give up for this - we have two kids, she isn't in a position to support herself and few of her family and friends would understand.

This wasn't a well reasoned choice, where all of us were taken into consideration. It was desperate, guilty, tearful and hard.

I have a passion myself, for a business I've been trying to build for 15 years. It has been a source of conflict between us for a long time - and I've pursued it well beyond 'what makes sense'. But I can't give it up - there is something in me that needs to be expressed - creativity, building something, a vision, a challenge... I'm complete when I have something like this in my life. It feels like a need, rather than a want.

To me I need to have certain things in my life - or perhaps better said, I need to express certain things in life to feel complete. I could be wrong, but that is how I see this with M - she doesn't need a specific other person - but she does need to express something that she can't express in a mono relationship.

Point being - when she figured out what she needed to express, it stopped being a choice. She is complete when she expresses it.

Here's the thing - when I thought she could choose monogamy, I tried to show her just how much she had to lose and I tried to boost myself up as an amazing person who deserves better. I wanted her to choose me and monogamy. It wasn't pretty.

But when I realized that this wasn't a choice for her - then I realized what I had to lose and was able to consider what I was willing to do for us. If I hadn't made this switch, we'd probably be separated and miserable.

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
That is an amazing gift for a spouse to give, and I commend you for "leaping that chasm." It's not supported by society at large (yet), so it takes a great deal of introspection and inner strength to be okay with this whole "poly" thing.
Thanks - this means a lot.
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