Thread: BDsm
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Old 12-31-2009, 11:06 AM
dakid dakid is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 191

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My friend came over yesterday for coffee with Mono and I and we talked about the up coming event we are attending. I am interested in play that doesn't involve sex at the end and a public event is a great place to make sure that doesn't happen until feeling comfortable with one another enough that we could be alone.... not that I will find anyone to play with, but that is the idea I have...

Anyway, I have never told this friend any of this and he is not an interest of mine, but he has friends in the poly and kink community and expressed that he thinks most people want the happy ending that comes with kink play/BDsm. The way he put it is "I'm not going to take the beating without having an orgasm at the end."

What's the thoughts on this? Am I shit out of luck in finding playmates that are okay with the no sex thing? I'm thinking there is a group of people that just want a certain level of play and that I will find them..
i find your friend's attitude very wierd for lots of reasons.

perhaps things are different where you are but here in london it is extremely common for people to do scenes where there is no genital contact at all, and no expectation of a guaranteed orgasm.

in fact, especially at public parties, i would say from my own experiences and observations (i am big on voyeurism and also on talking about sex with anyone willing!) that this is actually more common than your friend's attitude. in some circles it is frowned upon to have an attitude like his.

reading his words as you quote them, i actually wonder if he even enjoys the beating or just "takes it" in order to get his orgasm at the end? if so why he is involved with bdsm in the first place? the beating is the sex, it is an end in itself, ffs!

over here we tend to get very annoyed if folk refer to genital contact and/or orgasm as being sex if it implies that other bdsm practises aren't. we have a very broad definition of what counts as sex! thankfully.

for me its really not an issue as i tend to orgasm quite easily without any genital contact or effort on the part of my playmate(s) because i find it so incredibly sexy to be bound in the first place and that's often enough for me. flogging, spanking, etc, is a bonus which i thoroughly enjoy, and i do also enjoy vanilla forms of sexual interraction including even the old missionary position with penetration, but i am lucky in that i can get off in many diverse ways! including by giving pleasure and/or pain to another without them actually touching me at all...

remember what you know deep down, that this is about pleasing yourself and your playmate, NOBODY ELSE!

before any play session of any kind, it is always good to talk through our hopes and desires, as well as our boundaries and limits. this is not only very sexy in itself but also ensures compatibility and mutual pleasure when the scene is under way. the fact you might not want intercourse or genital play is just one of many things you will probably want to communicate with any potential playmate about before commencing play, i wouldn't make it any bigger a deal than that frankly.
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