Weekend Trip +
So we left early Saturday morning and drove to hot springs meet up with Airyn's mom, her estranged (ex) husband, and adopted son. Spent the day, evening, and night catching up goofing off, drinking, and walking/shopping around town. Had a good time, but didn't get to the hot tubs, or bath houses. Oh well maybe next time. We also didn't get to explore the museum as we had planned, again though we'll be up there another time.
There were a few uncomfortable moments. One I'll share. We had all been drinking, gone out to eat dinner, and do a bit of shopping. Back at the room we are drinking and cutting up, and I realise I've over done my drinking. It tends to make me really sleepy. So I lay down and nap for a while, and Chipmunk heads off to take a bath. I wake from my nap (probably about an hour) and nor longer feel any effect from all the drinking. Everyone else is still having a good time, but they are slowing down. Airyn leaves either to use the rest room, or to take the kids down to the vending machines. So Chipmunk starts clinging to me, feeling me up and fishing for kisses. But I know she's not for real, and is only drunk. So I grab her "wandering hand" and push her away from me, then using her hand I spin her around so that her arms are crossed in front of her, and her back is pressed to my front. I say alright little drunk girl. She tells me I'm a good one to talk as I fell asleep. I respond telling her yep I slept it off, and I'm not drunk now. I inform Airyn some time after he comes back to the room that Chipmunk is really drunk, and being flirty and overtly friendly. The beds are too small for three, and Airyn says he's taking the cot we brought, but i tell him I'd rather sleep on the cot, and that I'd like him to sleep between Chipmunk and me. He asks twice if I'm sure about it. He's too drunk to understand why, but see that I'm serious. So I sleep on the cot. He sleeps on the bed with Chipmunk. Starts off curled up and snuggling with Chipmunk, but rolls over towards me and he and i fall asleep holding hands. The Cot isn't high enough for snuggles.
I have no interest in sleeping in the same bed with Chipmunk when she's being overtly flirty like that. She doesn't mean any of the overtures she makes, and I'm not willing to fall for those again.
So we got home from our trip and I asked Airyn to join me in the shower. While we are in the shower I tell him the specifics of what Chipmunk was doing while he was busy, and how I handled it. He and I will have to talk further so he understands how uncool it is for her to persist in this when she's not for real. Before we got out I told him that I needed to be able to talk to him about sexy stuff, that right now it's just talking that I want to be able to do. He agreed and one of us suggested that we talk about it the next day. It was a kind of short sower so we didn't get to elaborate on anything. Since I have to work after our shower I'm getting ready for bed, and Airyn is getting his spreadsheet together, putting Chipmunk's schedule in it and making adjustments to where he and I will spend time just US, versus where he and Chipmunk will spend time just the two of them. Chipmunk eventually gets up to go to the kitchen/living room, and Airyn sits by me on the bed. At this point I'm basically asleep, i have a pillow over my head to block out light and sound and I'm very groggy.
He leans over for kisses, and asks me what I was wanting to talk about. Wanting me to clarify our very brief conversation in the shower. So I try, but I'm sleep so he has to ask several times. I tell him that he and I need to talk about sexy things, cuddling, kissing, sex, and "stuff". I tell him that we need to talk about my looking else where for these since it's missing or lacking at home. He says that he felt we cuddle and kiss alot, and I told him that we do kiss a lot, but that we don't cuddle, or flirt around the house like we used to. I tell him that I'm not mad, I just need to be able to talk with him about it. I also tell him that I want him, he giggles and says, "what right now?" Which makes me put the pillows back over my head. He gives me kisses and says we can talk more tomorrow and gets up to leave.
Airyn has been making some effort to level things out. To find ways for he and I to spend more quality time alone. This past week with Wolf out of town I had hoped he and I would find more time for ourselves, but this didn't happen. Airyn started putting together a tentative plan for this coming week, and is suggesting things he and I can do to have US time. I was really hopeful the week of Christmas when he and I had more time then has been usual. I was trying not to get my hopes up, but felt really disappointed when he and I had so little time this past week, and hearing that this coming week isn't looking too much better just made me really sad.
I've talked with Airyn several different times over the past couple months about my need for physical touch, how it's very important to me. I had asked him at one point to flirt with me around the house again (like he used to). I've told him that when I'm upset he should at least give me a hug, and if he's ok with it to just hold me for a while. Well he has been trying to work on this, but I crave more then what he has been able to offer, or has been offering for a long time (since Chipmunk moved in). I've done some serious thinking around this. I feel that if I had someone I could cuddle with outside of Airyn that it wouldn't bother me as much that he's not offering this like he used to.
There's more for he and I to talk about. We need to talk about my kinks and how/where I can get these needs meet. My interest in women isn't moving much. I'm more awake by the time Airyn leaves, and I'm realising just how disappointed I was about finding time with Airyn, and that I really need to follow through on some of my ideas around kink, and meeting like minded women, or getting together with a fellow as a non sexual boyfriend (NSBF).
NSBF: I know someone who just might be interested in that kind of relationship with me. He and I have known each other for about 9 years, he's married. He knows about my sexual orientation, and about Chipmunk. HE and I have talked about it a few times. the good stuff, and the sad stuff. He offered once to met me some where for a cup of coffee if i needed someone to talk to. I know about his wife and their kids. She's going through menopause, and they are seeing a councilor, and looking for healthy ways to deal with her lack of hormones, and other personal concerns. I know he misses the PDA he used to have with his wife. Things like holding hands, and hugging all acceptable in public places. I've been wondering (to myself) if he'd be open to sharing this with me. PDA between us, with the acceptance and permission of our spouses, could potentially alleviate both of our desire for more attention then we currently receive from our spouses. I haven't talked to Airyn or this fellow about it at all, but I'm thinking about it.
Kink: I have several what I consider minor kinks that Airyn and I have explored. I also have some that Airyn is just barely touching on that he knows I'm interested in. I've also found a couple that I'd like to explore. Going to the Fetish Ball showed me a thing or two that I'd like to try. All of these are things Airyn could potentially offer me. He is comfortable with being dominate, and I know he's interested is several of the same things. He's done some things with me, and has recognised a few of my kinks when we've stumbled on them. I'm not sure he'll be interested in everything that I am, and have to talk with him about it. Airyn has never been interested in talking about sex, or sexual things. He keeps it to himself. When I ask about his fantasies, or what he fantasizes about he tells me nothing, or that really he's interest is in different types of women, different ethnicity's. So this is a difficult subject for me to bring up. I also know someone who might be able to introduce me to others with similar interests. And I know there are gatherings for the kinky minded locally that I can attend, and learn more. I'm just not sure how comfortable Airyn will be with these ideas.
So Airyn has left the room, but I've woken up and have started thinking about the things I want to talk to him about. I've also realised how I had gotten my hopes up, and that really finding time with Airyn hasn't actually changed for me. So I'm stressed, and a bit upset. after a while Airyn comes back to the room, and finds me upset. I had a pillow over my head and didn't know he was in the room. So he puts his arms around me and is asking me what's wrong and trying to figure out what happened. I tell him that I had gotten my hopes up, but that really nothing has changed. I also tell him that I need to spend time in the "gayborhood", that I'm not upset with him so much as just scared. Upset that I'm not getting what I want, and need for myself. He hugs me and tells me not to stress to just calm down and tells me that he's here for me. Then he says we can talk about all this tomorrow.
I'm an introvert, and I've never gone somewhere specifically to just meet other people. If I'm going out I'm going with someone, or I'm meeting up with someone. So the idea of heading out to meet random people is very outside my comfort zone, but it's also something I want to be able to do. Once I get past being scared I know I'll be ok, and can just go out. I just have to talk about it, and build up my resolve? confidence? IDK, something to get me past my natural tendancy to withdraw into myself. I have to put myself out there if I want to meet local people to hang out with or "hook up" with.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married