View Single Post
Old 01-07-2013, 08:17 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Chupacabra View Post
I just recently entered a relationship with a girl I've known for a while. A while back, this girl was dumped by a long-term boyfriend with whom she was monogamous with. About six months later (December 23rd), we started dating.

. . . she said she wanted to date her ex on the side.

I told her I would not be alright with this. I would feel threatened that he, as a secondary, was already loved while I, as a Primary, was just starting out with her. She even admitted that she still loved him but did not yet feel the same way for me. I did not see how I could be a Primary while she felt stronger feelings for her secondary...I felt I would soon default to being the extra man to their relationship.

. . . last night, she begged me to let her date her ex. She was pleading and bargaining. And when I told her "No," she continued on.

. . . I feel almost insulted that, after making such an important agreement, she waited for a couple of weeks before bringing it up again to make it more difficult for me to tell he she can't.

I also still feel threatened. I worry that I will default to being the secondary and that he will become the Primary...perhaps not purposefully, but unintentionally and gradually . . .

Am I right to feel threatened if she dates him? What do I do here?
Why so possessive, jealous, insulted, and insecure over someone you JUST STARTED dating??? It's only been since around Christmas - it is so early, not even a month, in the beginning stage!

I understand that you feel threatened by her dating an ex -- but I don't think you have any basis for it. I really don't see how it is your place to tell her whether she can date others, or whom she can date. Why would you or she think you have any authority over what she can and cannot do? I don't even know why she is asking and begging you for permission, when she is her own person and, even in the monogamous world, the beginning of dating someone is often non-monogamous until things develop into a commitment.

In reality, how many times have you even been with her in a dating sense? It's not even a month of seeing her, and you seem to have a completely unrealistic idea that you can boss her around.

Furthermore, if she does decide to see you both (which is totally her choice), and you decide to continue seeing her (because, ultimately, you can only decide for yourself), don't get caught up in worrying about who is primary and who is secondary, who is already loved and who is not - titles and labels don't mean anything in practice and all you can or should do is be the best person you can be and treat each other with respect and caring. Many poly people do not care about nor use labels like primary and secondary, and looking at them like some kind of indication of your place in someone's life is an illusion and a real trap.

I think you need to wake up to the reality of the situation.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 01-07-2013 at 08:24 AM.
Reply With Quote