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Old 01-07-2013, 02:36 AM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I have often found that polysexuality becomes polyamory, whether we like it or not. My girlfriend, who used to be very promiscuous in her twenties, adamantly believed that sex and emotion could be separated. After dating a few people, she's started to change her views on this. She now feels that if you spend a certain amount of time with someone, or if you have sex, emotions are going to start to grow.
I wouldn't know about that; I think I'm "polysexual" wired... I've always been like this. As a teenager I had many lovers/fwb and wasn't interested in being emotionally invested in them for the most part, just enjoyed having fun. Sex is no big thing for me and I enjoy exploring my sexuality and kink with different people with minimal complications. I've had 3 LTR, this is my fourth; 2 have been mono. While sex and craving variety did become an issue for me, I can genuinely say I'm only interested in becoming emotionally invested with one partner at a time.

A big part of it might be that I have quite a few close friendships, close relationships with my family and I work as a therapist (effectively getting paid to form reflection-oriented relationships with people who often find relationships difficult). So I have many meaningful relationships in my life; when I have free time I want to play!

My bf, on the other hand, doesn't have good relationships with his family and can be socially quite shy. So his other poly relationships also meet his friendships and family needs. He is quite open about this and how he struggles having to place clear boundaries between love, sexual intimacy and friendships. I think he's very classically "polyamory-wired".


Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
My favourite mantra for life is the Latin phrase: 'mutantur omnia nos et mutamur in illis' . It means 'all things change, and we change with them'. I believe in this idea so strongly that I wanted to have it permanently tattooed on my body, to guide me through life. I hate to admit it, but I can be a control freak. Without even realising it, I try to restrict when I am floundering. The only difference between me and someone who *is* a control freak (i.e. rather than 'can be') is that I don't *want* to be.
I really loved this quote - might end up tattooing it myself one day!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
How long have you guys been together, by the way?
We've been together for 2.5 years, him and her nearly 3 months. Open from day one. He's 42, I'm 33. We've been through quite a lot together and he's been there to support me through bereavement, career moves and buying a property, all in the last year alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
If you were my sole primary and I only wanted one sole primary, I would compromise with you and set a happy medium pace for both of us. The problem that I'm seeing... is that it looks like your boyfriend isn't sure that he does want just one primary, if any primary at all.
I've spoken to him again and he's clear that I am his primary, in terms of him prioritising my needs and being more committed to me while not in any way being disrespectful towards her. He has clearly told her I am his primary from day one, she is cool with it even though he is her primary for now. I've asked him if he actually wanted me to be his primary and he said absolutely, yes. So I do feel reassured.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
If he does see you as a primary and wants that commitment... yes... if you need a compromise, it's only been two months... I'd say that's reasonable. (IF you truly think it would help you and you're not just trying to restrict behaviour/emotion).
Yes, I think I want to feel better about it and for them both to be happy. I told him let's go with 2 days for now, and the thinking from him (and her) seems to be that 3 days will probably be too much anyway, since that'll add up to 6 nights and he also needs some time for himself. He's clear about needing some "alone" time. I'm also fine with it being 3 nights on some weeks once the dust settles. It's been hard though, and I do feel a little resentful. From their end they seem perplexed and grateful that I moved so fast when they were happy to wait for a few weeks, but for me ever since it became a question of when and not if, I just thought... "sod it" and decided to deal with the emotional side sooner rather than later... time will tell if it was a wise move I guess.

So for now I've told him ok, it makes me uncomfortable (level 4) but it needs to happen and I want you to be happy.

I have one niggling question though: right now we see each other 4 nights a week and don't live together so it's less of an issue what he does with his nights off. We have talked about potentially moving in next year and my anxiety is that if (for example) they start seeing each other 3 nights per week... well I know categorically that I wouldn't be able to live with him if he's away more than 2 nights a week, this includes date nights with her even if she's staying at ours. 3 nights will be ok sometimes but not regularly. I'm domestic and companionable and I'll be miserable if he's away half the week. Not to mention he gets home at 11pm during the week so getting into bed together is quite precious. I've told him that I don't want him getting used to seeing her 3 days a week and then either me being miserable if we live together and this continues or it being a disincentive to moving in together. So I think keeping 2 nights status quo is quite useful... but just curious, how would you deal with this kind of situation? Make it 2 nights her, 4 me and 1 night hanging-out together night? But then who sleeps where?? Gahhh it's so complicated! (and p.s. I know I'm projecting quite far into the future, but it helps with the anxiety)
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