Originally Posted by rory
Moreover, in the end, what matters to me is not just what my partners do, but what they want to do. The latter is simply more relevant.
I have to add something. What they want to do is more relevant, yes, but it's important to differentiate wants from wants. There are these basic urges, desires, things that one might crave for at some specific moment. But what's more important in this context is the thing that the partner actually
really wants after consideration, looking at the bigger picture. I might crave for a pizza, but if I'm trying to lose weight, my bigger picture want is to not eat the pizza. And I would hope to be judged by that latter kind of want. This was just meant as a clarification, I totally agree with rory and understand her point.
I've been thinking about this relationship boundary thing quite often, especially when I was with JJ. I remember when I was feeling bad about him hinting about wanting to sleep with this drama queen I know (because I had a feeling she might mean trouble). I wrote about it here and I got comments that suggested that I make a boundary that he'd have to run these things by me, sending me a text or something before he would do anything with anyone. I thought about it, but it just didn't seem right. I didn't want to limit his freedom too much and that just seemed excessive, but also I thought about the fact that his unlimited behaviour tells me a lot about him and his values. If he gets to do whatever he likes without me setting up boundaries, I get to see what he really chooses to do, and not just how well he follows the rules. We loosened our boundaries constantly to the point that we only had one agreement left, about safer sex...and then he went and broke that one. It did add a layer of hurt - like rory put it - to an already painful situation.