I've been discussing boundaries in various places, most recently in Annabel's journal, and I feel some things are just becoming more and more clear through the reflection. It is this feeling, hard to describe, feeling of clarity about what I want in relationships, how I want to interact and what feels right.
The more time goes by, and the more processing I do, the more I notice myself leaving behind things that have to do with influence in a romantic relationship. My perspective is changing, I'm moving gradually away from the cultural norm, and into something else. It is in two parts: I recognise clearly the influence I could have (which, culturally, goes unacknowledged, as seemingly obvious), and I don't want any of it. I may have the urge to use that power, sure, but in a more profound way, I don't want it.
I'm sorry if this is kind of abstract, but somehow it feels like a broader shift that then translates into some practical decisions.
I have this aversion of holding up pretty much anything as a relationship rule/boundary. I feel there is something harmful (at least to me) in that approach. Rather, I have my own personal boundaries, which are important.
I feel that making something a relationship boundary/agreement doesn't bring additional benefits. Rather I feel it sets people up for an additional layer of hurt, if that boundary is broken. It is a commitment to hold up a specific want/decision as separate from other things, as something that cannot be assessed purely in itself but, rather, is predefined as something particularly meaningful, a measurement of the whole relationship.
Moreover, in the end, what matters to me is not just what my partners do, but what they want to do. The latter is simply more relevant.
I am sorry if this is rambling, I am tired and the thought is not entirely coherent. It's just something I'm thinking, when I am encountered by more mainstream ways of doing relationships, I notice how very far I am from that culturally supported place. How very commonplace it is, in romantic relationships, to use that influence and to place limitations, in all kinds of things.
Living with my partner Mya
and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.