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Old 01-06-2013, 10:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,974

So you had a romantic picture thought in your head, and after living life and having some real life relationships, the reality did not match the dream.

Fair enough. Change your mind then, now that you have new information "Reality testing" showed otherwise. You can change your thoughts. Why does it make you feel like a scumbag to come to find that a thought turned out to be different in real life?

Are you being less than honest with your people? If you are being honest with them, then it isn't anything to feel scumbag about.

Why do I always, automaticly, make this priority-lists in my head? You say that I should sort and label relationships, if i got you right? Maybe thats better then lying a little bit to oneself.
Could you be feeling scummy because you are in the habit of lying to yourself? You could stop doing that then, if that is the case.

It is human nature to want to sort things into "understandable." People have to think their thoughts -- learning to keep thoughts in good order. Like on the job -- if you were a baker you have to be able to think your thoughts in good order to follow a recipe. Can't frost the cake before the cake is even baked. There would be no cake around to frost!

It's the same in relationships. It's is the same with tending to the wants, needs, and limits of your shared relationship with your dating partner. Things happen step by step. And to figure out the steps, in our thoughts we try to organize things into understandable piles to ourselves. Then we sort it with the dating partner to see that we both want the same kind of relationship. Nobody can mind reader.

Can't kiss someone you never met. Can't kis someone who doesn't want to be kissed and expect them to like it!

Because all relationships have some things in common doesn't mean they are not special in of themselves. Because you have kissed A doesn't mean the kiss with B cannot be special!

How are you in the habit of talking to yourself inside your head? Do you talk down to yourself a lot? What's this whole scumbag thing about?

But this questions of the psycological resons for my actions and feelings always bugging me. Maybe its good to always be a bit aware of whats happening inside and question oneself? Asking it here is more of: "do you recognise this feeling of unsureness and how do you think and work around that?"
Yes. It is ok to be unsure. How I handle it when I feel unsure? Be confident that I've handled things in the past. Assess. Make a plan. Try it out. See the outcome. Confidence is grown by doing.

I handle my life and my choices in honest, self respecting ways. My life experience doing this usually turns out good. So next time I am unsure, I choose "honest and self respecting" path again in that new situation and see how it will serve me. I make the new plan and there I go...

To avoid makeing people feel excluded I useually not choose in a choosing situation (like to partners at the same place, same time)
Is this going out on a date with 2 of your sweeties at the same time?
How about choosing to INCLUDE THEM? Ask them out and if they are willing to share time with you like that. If they are, there. Problem solved.

If they are not, there. Problem still solved. They are not willing. You schedule a different time them and ask them each out on a date separately.

Be willing to let people own their own feelings. You cannot MAKE them feel anything. You cannot control what they might feel or not feel.

Behave well towards your people, and ask what they are willing to do or not. That you DO control -- your own behavior.

Also I dont give long description (as the one above) about exactly witch relationships and with whom I have. It worked so far, but im a little bit uneasy with what would happend if another partner came around the corner just as i was kissing with somebody else. Or just walking hand in hand. This worry tells me I should talk more to my partners about my other relationships.
Correct. Tell them you have other relationships and how they want to handle it should they come across you while on a date with someone else. Then you don't have to be worrying about it.

I'm sorry if you feel like a scumbag to yourself in balancing polyshipping needs. But you don't need to be feeling bad.
  • You could choose to be honest with yourself.
  • You could choose to be honest and up front with partners and ask your partners what sort of agreements they want in regards to how much about your other partners they want to know. Is DADT enough for them or they want some other kind of agreement?

Then see if you feel better when you have laid it all out on the table.

But my own feelings: I wanna know that other relationships exists but not anything about them - tells me not to talk to much.
That is YOUR preference to hear about you hearing about THEIR other partners. That does not mean they share the same preference and this is what THEY want for themselves in hearing about YOUR other partners.

You might like vanilla ice cream. They might like strawberry. Everyone has their own preference for ice cream, right? You have your relationship preferences and they have theirs. Talk about it with your people.

Platinum rule is to treat others in the way they wish to be treated. Since you are not a mind reader -- ask them how they wish to be treated so you can treat them that way.

Glad to be of help -- hope you can get to a place where you feel better in yourself.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-06-2013 at 10:08 PM.
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