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Old 01-06-2013, 06:55 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
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Originally Posted by FunkylilMama View Post
I have kept all this from my husband because I am truly nervous about how he is going to respond. He always (and in a joking manner ((I think))) says that people who are bisexual are "just being greedy" but I don't know that he really believes that...he is a very loving and open minded person usually and would not treat anyone badly because of their sexual orientation. I just don't know how he'd take it if a coming out was coming from his wife.
He doesn't sound terribly open-minded. That sort of clashes with the picture you paint in the introductory paragraph.

I really just have no idea how to bring this up with him. I think he might come unhinged if I even suggested some play with us and another girl.
There really is no gentle way to put it. I mean I suppose you can make it creative and play a game of Charades or 20 Questions but that's not really going to cushion the landing.

I think he would probably be willing to read these books and discuss them, but as I said, I haven't come out to anyone about being bi or polycurious (I suppose this term fits best). I'm really scared that when I start talking to him about this he's going to completely freak and possibly leave. I'm sure that the scenarios in my brain are probably worse than what will actually happen, but I'm sososo scared of what may happen. I don't know how to start any of these conversations or how to ask him to read these books without causing issue.
You're trying to land a plane with no landing gear; doesn't matter how you choose to do it, its gonna be a mess regardless of where you choose to land. That said, its usually not as messy of a landing as people think. I lost a few friends when I went public but nobody actually flipped out. I had thought SOMEONE was going to lose their shit but no one ever did.

My then fiancee did EVENTUALLY flip out but that actually turned out for the best.

My biggest fear is that I bring up the things that have been going on in my head (telling him that I'm bisexual) and ask him to read, learn, and talk with me and he freaks out and leaves. I love him more than I have words for, but I don't think monogamy is what is going to bring me the most happiness.
Then you have The Choice (TM)

Option One: Tell him and risk him leaving. If he leaves, you are free to pursue a relationship style that better fits your needs. If he doesn't, hey presto best possible outcome.

Option Two: Don't tell him. Start practicing activities that numb out the feelings you have because you wont be able to bring them out into the open with him around.

As someone who took Option Two for several years, I can tell you from personal experience that that option gets INCREDIBLY difficult after a while. It almost drove me crazy.

I have always claimed to be straight but I feel I have always been bisexual, it was just something I wouldn't recognize and own up to due to my upbringing and the programming in my head. I also think polyamory may have always been something that my heart and mind are wired for. So now that we're getting closer to 4 years of marriage, I'm feeling like complete scum for not having figured this out before we tied the knot. I feel like these things should have been something I dealt with before we got married, but they were no where on my radar at the time.
Dont kick yourself in the head for not knowing what the next chapter is about if you haven't read the book yet. Six years ago I would have described myself as "militantly monogamous" and would never have even considered a poly-type situation. Then five years into an engagement that I thought was to be "the one," my subconscious rears it's head and says "SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!" And the rest, as they say, is history. You learn things as you go along in life and often those things are about yourself.

All that being said, I just don't know how to bring it up with him.....I want to do it in the most gentle way possible, but feel like no matter which avenue I choose it ends with him leaving me.
Like I said, there really is no gentle way to tell him. Either you beat around the bush for half an hour hoping he figures it out (which is rarely a good thing, brings up a lot of trust issues and preconceived notions) or you lay the cards on the table and see what happens.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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