Have been thinking lots about how to structure life in a way as to make it safer from being abandoned, hurt and traumatised.
I don't think that you can. We are all told repeatedly that the way to be safe is to get married and have children - that way we have our spouse to care for us when we are young and our children to care for us when we get old.
Realistically, that is a gamble. It might work - works brilliantly for some of us. They marry somebody they love, stay with the for decades, have children who stick around and care for them and die happily surrounded by loved ones. But those people leave behind a spouse - who won't have that luck. They leave behind their children who are abandoned - the abandonment might not have been intentional but it happens nevertheless.
Repeatedly throughout our lives we suffer loss and abandonment. Friends move away or drift apart from us, our lovers too often do the same. Our dogs and cats have short lives and leave us too quickly. Sometimes the right thing to do is to encourage our lovers to find another love - even if it leaves us alone, to help our friends move across the world and to end the lives or our non-human companions.
Maybe the trick to being secure is to learn how to love - deeply and with all our hearts while knowing that any of those relationships may have a time limit on them. To keep connections as strong as we can while allowing our loves to develop their own lives.
To hope that when our own end comes, it happens with somebody kind nearby.
I wonder if the trick to a happy life is to go on in it. To keep on loving and laughing even though everything that makes us happy now may be lost and even though we may help the loss of it along?
I miss my old love so much. My home is almost unbearable without him. I can hardly bear to leave C and have been taking him everywhere with me. The poor soul is exhausted with all the travelling around we've been doing lately.
Right now I am doing nothing other than keeping my home running - barely, going to work, caring for C and keeping up my connections with my friends and with my SO. These are all that I can do right now.