I had a breakthrough last night and I want to share it with my new community. It's a little hard to explain, and I feel a little uncomfortable writing it - but I want to share the good with the bad. It feels a bit like boasting, but feeling good about myself is critical and has been difficult on this journey.
It settled in on me that M is poly. My wife is polyamorous. I don't think I'd ever said that, and there was still a lot of resistance in me - especially as she spent the night away for the first time. I felt calm as I realized it - this is right for her. It fits.
And realizing that allows me to feel good about myself instead of sorry for myself. I'm pretty fucking awesome! I'm taking a difficult journey for my partner and look how far we've come! [note: If pain and jealousy are normal and we have to learn to sit with both, then pride is too. I don't want to stay here - but damn it feels good to have a spiral that makes me feel good instead of bad!]
I woke up alone and I feel good. I hope M wakes up and enjoys her morning - and that we both feel that life is as it should be.
I can't wait until she gets home, so we can hug and kiss and rejoice that we are together.
Thanks everyone - I couldn't have gotten this far without this forum.
[Note 2: M is amazing too. I'm sharing my story, and don't want to speak for her. This isn't all about me - but this is just my part of the story].