In a emotional mess
First let me start by saying I'm writing this at 4:45 in the morning laying in a hotel bed with H my primary partner and wife of 17 years. One year ago we were here getting ready to leave on a cruise with our best friends a couple G and K. What was not out in the open is that K and I had developed a very strong attraction to each other that has moved from flirting to some physical contact that was starting to get out of hand. G and K had been married for 10 yrs but were not in a great place. No one had heard of polyamory. In my marriage to H I had been unfaithful on a few occasions but always came clean about it when asked.
Flash back to one year ago in New Orleans getting ready to sail off on this cruise. land I are trying to keep this from getting sexual. So we get on the boat I sit everyone down and say the truth to our spouses. One of the most uncomfortable things I've ever done but also one of the most liberating things as well.
H listened gets mad but we talk through it. G and K have a huge fight and the rest of the cruise they fight and K ends up spending several nights in our cabin with H and I. Some of those sleepovers turn sexual, I had always known H had bisexual tendencies. It was fun but there was also an emotionally connection.
Understand we live in a very conservative part of the country it's hard to find a bi person in our area much less someone who have ever heard of poly. The stigma about all of this is so overbearing at times it is depressing.
So we all get off the boat after a tense week, H and I are feeling in a great place, G and K are obviously having problems. We drive home and all try to be friends, and write it up to the situation with the promise to stop the sexual contact. H and i try swinging some but don't like all the effort and secret onetime sexual encounters, so we back up and talk about whats missing. G and K can not work out their problems which are in fact much deeper than we knew and predate meeting us. So they get a divorce. We are there as friends for K. Which drives us together. We all become glued to each other at the hip emotionally. We have kids who are the best of friends, K gets the house with the pool and gradually the intimacy starts back up. Gradually at first, then we at times are living as a triad.
At this time we began to research and I identify myself as a poly person. I am extremely happy and feel natural and normal for the first time in my life. H and K are good most times but have problems off and on accepting their bisexuality and learning how to love a member of the same sex. H does better at this than K, definitely a period of learning for all.
Through out the summer there are some really good times including a vacation where we all shared a bed and every moment at the beach for a week. The best week of my life, we stayed up late talked laughed loved and raised our kids in a beautiful house in Florida but H is starting to have some issues, she has always had a quick temper but it is getting aggressive, I chalk it up to jealousy but its unique. One day she demands some alone time with me and we go shopping but end up buying things for K and talking about her the whole time.
The sexual interactions between H and K always involve me in the middle but I write this up as a development thing between the two of them since accepting their bisexuality is new to them. I encourage them to spend time alone go on trips and explore and H on occasions is opening up to alone time for me and K. K accepts the alone time with me and H but also wants more from me. At time sit seems like her interest is solely in me but she never even mentions me leaving H for her.
As I said H is having outburst of anger that borders on violence at times. I being the fixer decide we need a trip together to a place where we can all be free to express our sexuality openly. I am sensing from H that she is not being fulfilled by K because K is having trouble openly showing affection to H but can freely do so to me. I also sense from H that there is an emotional imbalance I always expected was present starting to get more intense.
I book a trip to Key West for all of us, no kids one room, free to do whatever with no constraints of our little town. We almost don't make it out of town there is fighting and accusations by H towards K stating that she is only doing this to be with me and K was faking it because she can't show H the open affection she shows me. I drag the two of them on the plane after another emotional meltdown by H in the airport including violence and me arising behavior by H. It was to the point K and I had taken all we could. But we mark it to key west and have a good first night and they actually were getting along great. Openly holding hands and kissing in the pool. But there is an argument about something stupid, K gets kinda pouty H makes a scene and I walk away. Go to duval and tell K to join me. H comes gets emotional again and I am trying to play peace maker. H storms off and we suggest she gets her own room, which she does then promptly threatens suicide.
We all get home on a down note as in the two of them are not really talking. H threatens suicide several more times and I truly have had enough of her behavior. I finally force her into treatment and we find out she is bipolar and majorly depressed.
So flash forward a few weeks all of us are having major problems, H and I look to be heading for divorce, K and H are not talking and K and I are able to communicate in great ways. We never have a cross word with each other. They are my yen and yang. h andI separate and k and I continue to see each other but I tell them what I really want is the peace and happiness we had when things are good.
H gets her meds right and I really don't want a divorce so we move back in together which causes problems with K and I and the triad is in real trouble, we all admit it made us happy but it is not happening at this time.
That gets me to this hotel bed writing this in the early morning. Back when we went to Key West I booked a cruise for the three of us. That cruise leaves tomorrow, only H and I are going. The triad is, trying to work on things, H is guarded and not opening up to K, K is doing the same and I continue to be honest and stick to my position I love the two of them equally and want the three of us to spend the rest of our lives together. I had k's ticket until a few weeks ago and out of frustration I canceled it, K was understandably hurt. I let H and K talk about wether K should go. I said I wanted her to. H said they weren't to that point, k cowered down as she normally does and it was reported to me there was a mutual decision for k not to go. It is not what I wanted but I understand H's position. K tells me she really wants to go and I am forced to be the middle man again, trying to respect everyone's feelings and keep everyone happy. My fatal flaw.
K says that we will only be friends from here forward which makes me sad H is worried almost to anger at times that I will be sad that K is not with us on this cruise. K says she wanted to go so they can work on their relationship so we could get back to the bliss we had. H says she doesn't trust K and questions her motives but said we would have had a great time if k went.
So I am stuck here trying to hide my sadness and disappointment that we are not all together, but excited to go on this trip with H. I still love both of them equally and want us all to just be happy together without hidden motives or emotions.
So here's my question, do I hold on to the dream of all of this working out, is k playing with my emotions or is this all done? H says she wants a poly life but k is not the right person. I would love for K and H to get to a place where they can love openly and this air of questioned motives disappears. It makes me so happy for them when they hold hands and are free to express.
Do I just let go, fight for what I want and the happiness that comes from the three of us?